today i put on fake nails

its thanksgiving so i should be thankful, but im not. im cold, sitting by myself, crying because my dad is just a shell of who he used to be. he knew he had cancer today. he knew it was in his brain.  what do i know? nothing. i know this will take him. i should be thankful that he is still here and strong enough to do many of the things he still does. but im not. im angry that he is this way and that its out of our control. im angry that my mom wont sleep. im angry we are still here at their house. im angry that this has been the shittiest 2011 ever. im angry that david isnt my boyfriend anymore. im angry that im single. im angry that my dad is going to leave me here with my mom. im angry he cant see me graduate. which means my mom wont come either if hes still alive. im pissed. im angry he wont know my future husband. im angry he wont know casey and lauras babies.  im really pissed off. im angry he doesnt remember that im his sweetie pie.

Cancer

If I ever get cancer, I will choose to fight it initially if my chances are good.  However, if I start to lose, and can't seem to get back ahead of this fight that we know as cancer, here are my wishes.  I am writing them down and being strong about it. 

I, as many others have said before me, do not want to be a burden on other people.  I do not want my sickness to slow other people down or make their life harder.  I want them to be able to let go of me when the time is right.  If I can't win, I want to be made as comfortable as possible.  I want to be high out of my damn mind until I pass.  I want to feel relaxed in that state and feel super yummy in that way.  If I can not speak for myself, I want you to know that this is what I want.  Please help me do that.

It's sad to think about.  If I change my mind as time goes on, I will let you know.

2011

2011 was the year I thought I was going to be engaged.

2011 was the year I ended the most serious relationship I've ever been in.

2011 was the year my dad's health was scary and frightening.

2011 was the year I sought an outside opinion and help.

2011 was the year I tried something new that opened my mind up.

2011 was the year I let my anger get the better of me.

2011 was also the year that I did something about it to stay in control.

2011 was the year I turned 26.

2011 was the year that I paid for everything on my own.

2011 was the year I bought the Subaru.

2011 was the year I became an Illinoisian.

2011 was the year that I gained back all the weight I lost, but then determined to lose again.

2011 was the year I felt closer to my brother than ever before. 

2011.

I am strong. I have strength.

This was my mantra today as I ran outside for the first time in over a year.  I was going to do some cardio when I got back, but I knew what a terrible procrastinator I have been lately, so I decided it would be better to get to work on my homework.  I am now done at just after 9pm.  Thank goodness. 

I'm not a very good blogger, but at least it helps me think, and I do like writing.  There is that. 

I am strong.  I have strength.

2 + 2 does not always equal 4

It is like there is this switch inside of me that makes me all in or all out.  Completely overworked and committed or not present and interested. 

I've been thinking about all of these things lately, and I am in a dark and terrible place right now.  The only thing that I like right now is exercising.  I do like the kitties, but they are not bringing me joy or peace right now because I feel so sad that I can't give them the love they need and want.  It's one thing to talk about it, but I'm still stuck feeling like no one understands.  And I am angry.  Angry beyond belief at everyone and everything, and all of that is boiling over and very negatively affecting me and my behavior at work. 

I don't know what else to say about it.  I'm tired and I need to go to sleep now.  Sigh.

Shit I love

I was thinking about this on the way home, and it's kind of ridiculous, but I love some things that make me laugh when I think about them individually, and when I think about them together. 

• robots
• dinosaurs
• robot dinosaurs
• pop music
• dancing with the white man overbite (or underbite)
• black nailpolish
• hot pink nailpolish
• the E channel

I don't know why I thought it was so funny, but it made me laugh. 

food is the devil

I don't really have anything new to report.  I'm still floundering and struggling, and perhaps worse than before.  What more is there to say?

new month...new something or other

My neck is so messed up, and I have a pretty sweet knot worked up in my back.  I was all delirious this afternoon and turned my head normally to the right and it totally spazzed out.  I think tomorrow I'm actually going to go and treat myself to a massage.  I'm all stressed out from work and life and everything. 

I cried on the way home today.  Sad things happening and occurring right now.  Who cares.  I'm currently doing a sea salt soak on it.

I think the reason why I like personal training so much is because I get to talk to someone.  I get to be gross and sweaty and not think and be told what to do for an hour.  And then at the end we stretch, and physical contact is something we all long for.  It's not sexual or inappropriate, but it's nice to have some contact with people. 

I'm completely exhausted.  Only one more day.  I should get to leave early tomorrow from work.  I hope that actually happens.  Thank goodness for a short week.  This is probably the most boring post I've ever written.  I'm sad, and sort of trying to be optimistic, but it isn't really working. 

An important lesson I have been told recently, and forgotten, and then reminded of is that I have to learn how to let things go.  I have to learn how to let inappropriate stuff roll off of me, and how to let go of that which I find hurtful or inappropriate.  It's hard for me.  Everything sticks and is painful.  I know this lesson, but I don't know how to enforce it at all.

Sleepy now.

Unhappy

It's hard to muster the courage to do anything when you are so sad, you can't stop crying or get off the world's most uncomfortable couch. 

How am I doing?

I'm fucking drowning and I hate adulthood.  Everyone should just go fuck themselves. 

Happy

Today, and this whole week I am feeling happy.  I have some new and exciting things going on, but I'm not going to spill yet!  You will just have to stay tuned.  This weekend I have to clean my apartment and do some heavy duty shopping in order to get all the proper groceries to get this 10 day diet on track. 

Igor and I boxed today, and my arms were feeling dead, but he said I was hitting well.  Smack Smack.  Pow Pow. 

Most of this week, I've eaten very well.  I feel like I've cut a lot of calories, but I have no idea where I am at weight wise.  I haven't weighed myself in forever. 

Something I am looking forward to: Saturday and a three day weekend of rest and sleeping in!  Yes!
Something else I am possibly looking forward to: scheduling a vacation; possibly a bike tour vacation.  And I am thinking about doing a women's only kayaking weekend trip. 

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system

This weekend, I spent the whole weekend by myself.  Some would find this refreshing, but it's been well established that I find this lonely and terrible.  I was thinking today and I was driving about how I feel angry and upset with someone who is in my life right now on a regular basis.  I have this feeling that they have moved on in a way that I haven't yet.  And it got me to thinking about the way I act towards people, and I realize that I am constantly testing them to see if they measure up to my expectations.  [Expectations: I could write a whole blog with hours and hours and days and days about just that in so many parts of my life.] 

I won't call you to test you to see if you think of me. [You don't.]
I won't say hello to you to test you to see if you notice me. [You didn't.]
I will with hold something I think you want, to see if you want it badly enough. [You never did.]

I think I've been doing this since I was old enough to manipulate.  And let's think about that; that's well before we even have language.  Babies cry because they want something.  Some babies learn that it's nice to be lazy and be picked up and carried all the time, so they cry until you do that.  It's what they want.  They are manipulating you.  [I've seen it.]  More importantly, I think and know that I've been doing this.

I also think I'm even guilty of testing myself.  [Maybe this is why I constantly have an injury in my Achilles.  I'm this close > < to giving up running.]  I don't really know how to grow and move on.  I can eat well all week, and then completely destroy every bit of good that I've done on the weekends with food. 

I'm currently feeling sad, lonely, and frustrated.  Blarg.

Pseudo day one

Well I talked to Igor about the plan, and I think with some revising, we can make this happen.  10 days.  Chicka chicka bow wow.  Also, I asked that if for our stretch he would foam roll my legs because I could feel some crazy tension in them, and I felt sore from yesterday.  Well, it was amazing!!  Let me tell you.  He actually didn't use the foam roller, and instead used his elbows.  It hurt so freaking bad that I started laughing while making an ouch face.  It totally changed the way that I felt though. 

I also tried to run again today, but I felt that little pull in my Achilles, so I just walked.  It's better to listen to my body like that, although it made me crazy angry.  Grrr.

I'm going to go look at road bikes...maybe this is my new sport???

A bit of perspective I heard today.  We all have our different shit, some shit is just worse for others than for yourself, even when it's the same shit. 

Long time no see

I've been sick non stop.  I've also been travelling a lot, so lots of on the go, and not as much working out as normal.  I'm trying to get back into the swing of things.  I'm trying to run more, and build that up so that my ankles are strong.  No more injuries.  I'm trying to eat better too.  I also want to become a better cook.  I'm a terrible cook.  Oh now, baking....hells yes I can bake, but other stuff, blech. 

Igor sent me this meal plan that he wants me to follow for 10 days, but I don't think that is possible.  It has 6 meals in it, and it's sit down stuff that I can't eat during the day while at work and on the go, or foods I don't like (such as nuts, oranges, or kiwis).  It also has a shake in it, but I have no idea what kind of shake to have for it.  I don't know what to do, or how I am supposed to follow it. Now I feel even more stressed out about that.  Actually, it kind of makes me feel like crying because I feel like I've already failed before I even started.  [Today in general was a really stressful day.]  I wanted to start tomorrow and make that day one, but I think I'm going to have to talk to him about it and see what kind of options we have.  Plus there were only two days, and I can't eat the exact same things like that for 10 days.  I will go crazy.

I can comfortably run a 10:30 mile right now.  I plan on building off of that.  I would like to speed that up even more after a while, but more importantly is to get really comfortable at that speed, and then continue to go for longer periods of time.  That's what I want right now out of running. 

That's a general update about me right now.  Life as always, is super busy, and I feel like I'm spinning in a million different directions.  In general I do feel happier, and I hope that sticks.  I don't like bouncing back and forth between highs and lows.

Instead of successes and setbacks, today I want to pick something out that I'm looking forward too.  I'm looking forward to running my best 5k ever this summer.  I'm looking forward to cooking food that ends up tasting delicious.

Buff-date

Buff-date?  It's where getting buff meets having an online update.

This week, I was doing plank push ups with Igor, and I started crying while doing them.  I was getting frustrated because I felt weak, and I was angry because I want to continue to be the child, and not the adult child who has to make decisions.  So we sat for the last part of our session and talked.  Which is probably more of what I needed in that moment. 

On Monday I have a workout with hottie Brandon.  He called me Thursday evening about it and instead of saying "hello" he said, "Are you ready to put your money where your mouth is?"  I was like, umm that depends on who this is!  I just wasn't sure who it was at first!  Oh my.  So hopefully that goes well.

Thursday night I had food poisoning and I laid around all day on Friday and slept and felt awful.  But I feel better now.  I was so dehydrated.  Ugg.  I just can't stay healthy.  It's ridiculous.

I think it's just when I am by myself that I realize how unhappy I am.  Surprisingly, being around people makes me feel better, and keeps me busy enough to not have to think about things.  Ridiculous.  It's been a cold spring so far.  It's hard to gear up.  I think I want to paint my bedroom today, but I feel undecided, so I'm having trouble committing to that idea.  If I'm going to do it, I should do it now.

:(

I am so incredibly unhappy.  Can you mix incredible and unhappy in the same sentence?  Can you use incredible to describe just how unhappy you are?  I am unhappy.  I am failing.   I am miserable.  And the one thing I want more than anything else is attention, and when I have it, I feel fine.  I wouldn't call that feeling of having attention happiness, but I feel like I have enough in that moment to be content for all of like 5 seconds. 

I didn't get up this morning to go to yoga.  I haven't finished my paper yet.  I haven't eaten.  I haven't finished grocery shopping.  I haven't cleaned my apartment or put shit away.  I haven't brushed my hair yet today.  I haven't finalized my plans with my surrogate Grandma.  I'M UNHAPPY, and I'm SCREAMING it to everyone.  But what is anyone supposed to do?  Every once in a while, I have the feeling of fleeting okayness, but it goes away before I can even enjoy it. I'm tired of strife and being alone, and being confused, and even having long hair.  I decided that if my dad does have to have chemo, and if he starts to lose his hair, I will shave my head.  I hope it's long enough to donate in that case.  I think it still might be like an inch or two too short. 

I've been looking and looking for a bike.  But I don't really know what I'm doing, what I'm looking for, and I know I don't want to spend over a certain very inexpensive amount, which is a shame, because apparently the type of bike I am interested in seems to be the cost equivalent of the Rolls Royce of bicycles.  Damn. 

What else is weird about this mood that I am in right now, is that I want attention, but then occasionally when the opportunity for it comes up, I just feel annoyed that I am  not truly getting what I want, and I want everyone to stay away from me.  I feel so angry right now.  And lazy, and upset, and unhappy.  What the hell?  I'm so sick of everyone around me seeming to be the opposite of me.  I'm so sick of everyone.  Including myself.  I need gas for my car.  Uggg.  It's just one thing after another that has to be done.  I'm ready to turn off, tune out, and not do anything.  I don't want any responsibilities.  I don't want anything.  I don't want to be on antidepressants.  I don't want to feel so miserable anymore. 

Headaches and expectations

I am in a pretty terrible mood right now.  I know exactly why, but it isn't something that I want to air on the good old public internet.  It's really no one else's business anyways, and ultimately boils down to me having expectations.  I wish I could just get rid of every expectation that I have for anyone or anything else.  If I could have no expectations, I could stop being so disappointed.  I'm actually very much so in the mood to go for a run to clear my head, but it's cold and rainy out, and I just took my contacts out because I had a terrible headache, and I don't want to put them back in.  I wonder if that is terrible of me?

Tomorrow morning they are doing yoga at the apartment complex, but I don't know what the code is to get in.  I haven't received a newsletter from the complex since I moved in back in January. 

I feel pretty overwhelmed right now.  I feel sad and disappointed.  I want to go and eat birthday cake by myself, but I don't want to go out to get any cake.  I need to go to the grocery store.  Actually, I'm also really craving goodwill, so maybe I will go out.  Gah.  I'm just so sad right now.  I don't want to do anything.  I'm going to Goodwill.  Home sweet home.

I'm Back!

I worked out Monday on my own, and hit that treadmill like it was nobodies business.  Yeah.  90 minutes and like 5 miles later...chicka chicka meow.  Took it easy, and did an 8 minute walk with an incline, and then 2 minutes of running for the entire time.  Then on Tuesday, I had PT with Igor.  I told him not to kill me, but damn am I sore.  Especially my legs and butt.  Ouch. 

Still kind of eating like crap, but trying to get back in the right mindset.  Working out hard helps me feel like actually eating healthy.  Tomorrow's dinner fish and vegetables.  I'm trying to do more raw foods.  I figure I can eat as much of whatever I want of vegetables and fruit.  Raw foods.  Yum.  So, I'm trying to do that more too. 

Today, I went on a short walk with David, but nothing to be called calorie burning.  Yesterday was my birthday.  It's hard to believe that I'm 26 now.  I thought I would be in a much different place.  I also thought I would feel like and adult.  I feel like 26 is old.  I miss being a kid.  I know I'm not old but I certainly don't feel my age.  How strange.  One thing though is that I'm hoping that the second half of my twenties is much better than the first half.  Cause the first half had a lot of suckiness in it.  I'm tired of being in a dark awful place.  I'm ready to feel blissfully content.

Success: being back!  Feeling healthy and feeling like myself again.
Setbacks: Eating like crap.  Really?  Do I even need to say this?  I alwasy eat like crap.  Damn Damn Damn.

I think there are one or two spelling errors, but I don't see it and the spell check won't work?

Recovery can't come quickly enough

I'm supposed to have a personal training session tomorrow, but I think I want to cancel it.  I asked for some advice about that from Igor, but I haven't heard back from him yet.  I don't really want to go.  I just feel so icky right now.  But I'm getting much better.  I'm on the way. 

I'm hoping to have some fun this weekend.  I also need to get back to a normal eating routine.  I have been eating crap nonstop lately.  I'm thinking about going on a raw foods diet for the weekend.  I can eat whatever the hell I want as long as it's all natural and not processed.  Think vegetables and fruits only as well as liquids.  I get pretty cranky without protein though, so protein shakes don't count.

Also, I want to tell you how much Keri Hilson is my new favorite dirty sexy icon.  I can't get enough of the Pretty Girl Rock song.  It might need to be my new running jam.  And if I download a new song from itunes, you know I must really like it.  I also just listened to/watched Return the Favor on Vevo.  Daaaang girl.  Hot.  She's got some awesome legs.  I'll say it. 

I don't even want to tell my setbacks for the past 24 hours because it's so bad.  But my eating has been crap, and I haven't been feeling good, so during the day yesterday, I really didn't eat anything all day long (which is so not like me at all, I snack all day long), and then on the way home picked up a pizza.  Well, I didn't eat the whole thing, but I did eat enough to make myself sick to my stomach.  Ugggg.  Why must I love pizza so much?  I kinda did something similar today.  I didn't eat anything all day, and had dinner with Junior, and kind of binged.  Blech.  Raw foods diet it is!  Well, I'll give myself 24 hours to decide if that's what I really want to do.

False alarm

So I went to work today, but when I woke up, I felt kind of off, and had something going on with my throat.  I went to the doctor's after work, and she said that the negative result of the strep test could have been a false reading, but that wasn't good enough for me.  So I went to the immediate care center, he looked in my mouth and said strep!  No test even.  So he wrote me a prescription and I'm missing work again tomorrow.  I hope that it's just one day that I have to miss.  I cancelled my workout for tomorrow, and I knew this morning that I wouldn't feel that good, so I had already planned on not going today.  Sigh.  I am close to giving up. 

Homework time.

Influenza free

Well, this coming week marks my comeback to the world of fitness.  Ha!  It's been two weeks now, and I do finally feel good enough to come back.  I'm also hoping that the two weeks of doing nothing, plus the time I put in before that of taking it easy on the running will have really made a difference and that my achilles tendon is stronger now and I can start by building up my mileage all over again.

I wish I could take the lesson of cutting out running, and then building up my mileage again and again and apply it to the rest of my life.  It's like this one aspect of running doesn't really stress me out.  It does make me think about things that I want and how to get them, but it's not always this huge disappointment.  It's just what I do to get to where I want.  Well what do I do outside of the gym to get to where I want?  And where do I even want to get?  I don't know.  Expectations are always paths for disappointment for me.  So I'm trying to cut back my expectations.  Maybe then I won't be so disappointed.  I hope so.  I'm so tired of being disappointed with things.

Today's success: Ready to hit the weights again.  Ready to hit the ground running again.  Goodbye tired feelings.  Feeling happier.  Spring is here.
General setbacks for the past two weeks:  The first week and a half of being sick, I really didn't eat much.  Soup, crackers, and toast only.  Then the last part of the second week all I've eaten is junk food.  All I want is sugar and chicken.  And I swear if one more person asks me if I'm pregnant, I'm gonna slap them.  I am not pregnant.  That is not why I was sick.  Get your head out of your ass!

The sickness

Dear Blog,

I haven't forsaken you.  I've had the influenza.  It's been awful.  It made me realize how terrible my couch really is.  It made me realize that I still need my mom when I get sick.  It made me very tired, like mono.  It also gave me too much time to be by myself and stew and fester and think about things.  I'm so unhappy.

Running off today, only to return to work tomorrow for like 9 or 10 hours.  Yay.

Love sometimes,
Courtney

What am I doing: The why of daily life

So I was just thinking about this and had to write it out.  What am I doing with my life?  Maybe I should break it down into more cohesive and acceptable thoughts; so what am I doing with my life today?  A better example, will actually be tomorrow.  What am I doing with my life on Monday?  Well, I'm getting up, I'm going to fight through the fact that I don't feel good, and am slightly sickish, and that I am sad and unhappy, and I am going to go to work.  Then I am going to go work out (probably).  Then, I am going home, and because it's a Monday, finish my school work for this week, and then I'm going to laze about until bed time.  Which ends up being like an hour or two of lazing about time.  Not enough.  Then I will go to bed and do it all over again.  The same exact thing.  What am I doing?  Why am I doing this?  I allow myself to drown in work, I torture myself for not being enough of what I want to be at the gym, I come home and feel sad that I am alone....again.  Failing.  Why?  What is the end goal?

For a goal oriented person who needs tangible outcomes to work towards, I certainly have lost all of mine.  I've lost something I didn't appreciate until it was gone, and now I can not get it back.  I found out today, that I can not have it back.  It is done. 

I was asked last night, why am I here?  Why do I stay in this area?  Why am I living here?  What am I working towards?  Yeah, I might be working towards a degree, and working to pay the bills, but those are so big, it's really hard to keep a firm grasp on those ideas that don't necessarily lead you anywhere.  I'm living to work.  I should be working to live.  I'm hiding in the one thing that is supposed to make me feel better. 

Dear first half of my twenties,
You really sucked.  You let me down and made me feel like crap quite often.  You have created a disappointment in me so deep that I am drowning. 
I'm really trying to look forward to the second half of my twenties, but I have fear.  Fear that I will be let down.  Fear that my dreams that I have already had to push back time and time again, will get pushed back to the point that they aren't attainable anymore.  Fear of failure.  Fear of more aloneness.  Fear of disappointing you even more.  Fear of pushing everyone away to be alone, which I already hate. 

What am I doing?  I can't even break it down daily to make it feel better.  I might not be a loser, but I'm certainly no winner. 

This has nothing to do with working out!

I just need to vent.  Ugg.  I just started accounting and I hate it and it's making me crazy angry, and I don't understand shit about it.  I want to cuss like a sailor right now. 

I worked out today.  Good times.  Going in again tomorrow for PT.  I'm so stinkin' tired.  I am glad it's the weekend... fo' sho.

Perceptions

I realize that I have so many different perceptions of events.  Sometimes my perceptions seem to cause drama when I don't have that as my intention.  It makes me sad that things have changed in my life from how they used to be, but I'm moving forward and this is part of growing up and sometimes growing apart from some people.  I could make some lame metaphor about how this is like running and moving forward too, but I won't do that. 

It was almost 70 degrees outside today!  Almost time for flip flops.  I wanted to go for a walk at the forest preserve, but of the next to no people that I know, no one was available.  I got that lazy, I don't want to work out anymore feeling, but I sucked it up and popped in the P90x Cardio DVD.  Oh, Tony Horton, be still my in-the-zone heart rate. 

Today's Success:  It's been a few really good days of eating well.  Yesterday I did an hour of walking incline on the treadmill, and then Mr. Hottie with a Body, Brandon, showed me a boxing demo for his class.  I'm interested, but I don't think I will ultimately get what I want out of it.  He has another free demo the 26th, which I want to go to.  Working out today even though I wanted to just fall asleep after work.

Today's Setbacks:  Does a giant iced coffee count?  I don't think it should as a setback because it had milk in it, and worked it's way through my system in about an hour.  Eww.  I feel today was almost all success.  Even work was good today.  I got a raise!!!

A driving force

I haven't had too much to say the past few days (no driving force).  Nothing new is going on right now.  I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to be able to run again...stupid Achilles.  So I took Friday off to have a weekly dinner with Junior (oh man I ate like crap, but I did well throughout the week).  And I was going to get up and go to spin class on Saturday morning, but I slept in. 

Ahhh, all the things I didn't do.  Well let's talk about the things that I did do. 

I took two days to rest my body.  I took time to catch up on my sleep.  Today, Sunday, I did an hour of P90x.  Way to go me!  I chose the plyometrics workout, although some of the jumping moves, after a while, I had to modify, or just skip them, and I did squats instead.  Look out hot butt!  Ha!  I also took myself out to breakfast this morning, and I spent time in bed, and relaxed and read a book.  I also found two new books to read, and I went in to Play It Again Sports to look for a yoga mat, and a step.  They had one for $45 dollars.  But I decided to hold out a little longer.  It wasn't exactly what I wanted.  I don't know why I had been putting it off for so long.  There is another one near work, so if I get a few extra minutes, I will stop in there tomorrow to see what they have.

Still, I have a driving force, and it doesn't revolve around anyone else anymore.  It revolves around me, and what I want.  It revolves around where I am trying to go, and what I am trying to accomplish.  It's my will power, my drive, and my force that are moving me into my future.  Whatever uncertain future that may be.  This may mean that I have to rethink certain goals. 

Today's success: Making it through an hour of P90x
Today's setbacks: Saying it doesn't really bother me to be alone all the time, but it does.  I really want cake.  Really really want cake.

Where are the endorphins? Realizing fears.

Today my Achilles felt pretty good, so I decided I would try to run a little bit.  I mostly walked at an incline, and then would run for two minutes, and then walked more, and then ran again.  I went for 65 minutes altogether.  I just did a slow jog, because today was not about setting some new record.  It was about seeing how I was feeling.  But it's weird how I didn't really get that feel better feeling.

And I was thinking as I was on the treadmill, doing the same thing that I always do, that I still kind of live in fear when it comes to using the gym equipment.  I've been there for the past year and a half and I know how to use lots of different machines, but when it comes to doing it on my own, I still get nervous and feel embarrassed.  I don't want to be like that.  I don't know why I have so much anxiety about it.  It's one thing to have the trainer tell me what to do, and I don't look stupid because they are telling me what to do.  I guess I still feel like I look stupid when I am doing it on my own.  That's so very very silly.  I really just need a buddy.  Oh how I long for female companionship....

Today's success: Running a little bit and not having it hurt.  Being in control enough to not over do it and hurt myself again.
Today's setbacks: Feeling negative about self image.  I have the world's biggest calves, and I am so not in love with them right now.  Much, much, much too big.

???

I've just been sitting here thinking.  I'm not sure what to title this entry, or what I even have to say about today.  I try to be optimistic about what I am writing in here, and I try to have hope, and I want to be hopeful, but I don't really feel too hopeful.  If I say enough positive things, even though I don't believe them, eventually they have to start to feel true too.  Right?  How long does that take?

Did the stairs today.  Still sick of them, but I love how much I sweat and how many calories I burn.  I did intervals of 4 minutes moderate pace, and one minute hard pace for 35 minutes.  I decided not to wear my heart rate monitor because I was tired of being trapped in time.  I needed a little freedom.  I think I might have broken my cell phone headphones by wearing them while working out.  Crap. 

I bought yoga stretch bands, and did use them tonight.  Best supine hamstring stretch ever.  And a new pair of workout capris.  It's been an hour now, and I still haven't really said anything worthwhile I guess.  I'm currently searching for an aerobic step.  They are freaking expensive though!  The ones that are less expensive come in purple, which I hate.  I refuse to have a purple step in my home. 

Today's success: Feeling happy during the go go go part of the day.  Working out.  Eating okish.  No cookies at least.  I also did well for dinner. Learning to be blunt and honest.  Attempting to be hopeful and encouraged.
Today's setbacks: Constantly being too hard on myself.  Feeling sore throughout my back, arms, and shoulders.  Not really actually feeling hopeful and encouraged.

My 2lb setback

A lot of personal stuff going on right now.  I've been feeling kind of overwhelmed and negative about it.  Let's be honest; starting Friday night, I ate like shit all weekend.  And then today, the truth was apparent, and I had gained 2 pounds!  I'm not shocked and I was expecting it.  I am disappointed in myself that I always deal with shit like that, but it's done, and the only thing I can do now, is stop eating crap, and work out really hard this week.

I'm dying to get back into running, but my Achilles just has this tweak in it when I run.  I never thought I would be sick of something, but I am sick of the stair master machine.  It's okay to walk at an incline, but I struggle with the feeling of not being challenged enough.  My calves are getting tired of this, and my legs long to run fast.  I actually had some speed under my belt.  I really want to run a 5k April 2nd.  But if this tweak doesn't go away, I won't be able to.

I've been working on homework all night, and it's very late, and I need to go.

Success: More dedicated to getting back on track now that I've stumbled.
Setback: Finishing off the girl scout cookies tonight.  But on the bright side, they are all gone, so I can't make that mistake again.

My achilles heel

When Achilles was born, his mother dipped him into the river Styx to make him immortal.  However, when she held him by his heel, she forgot to dip him twice to cover that area to make him immortal.  He was shot in the heel by Paris with an arrow, and that was it.  Poof, gone.  It was his one vulnerable spot.

I wish I had just one vulnerable spot.  So even though I knew better and that I am already having aches and pains from a touch of Achilles tendinitis right now, I decided to run today.  Really all I did was inflame it beyond belief because I wanted to run, run fast, and run hard because I was upset.  I didn't care.  I would have rather felt my own physical pain then deal with my emotional surprise pain.  Here and now is not the place to really divulge the day's details, but I am feeling vulnerable.  My family is vulnerable.  I am helpless. 

Today's success: Ran faster and longer.  Did 50 minutes on the treadmill and 3.89 miles.  Decent.  Then followed that up with a workout with Igor for another hour. 
Today's setbacks:  Made the attempt to not overeat and really do well, but when I got home, I ate a whole sleeve of ritz crackers and hummus.  Freakin' crackers.  Oh, and I caved and ate a cookie this morning.  It was amazing though.  But at least that was in the morning.  Oh, and running even though I really knew better, and now I'm going to have to baby my Achilles even longer. 

Hump Day

Yesterday I was naughty and skipped my workout, because Junior (from work) and I went out to eat after work.  We sat, relaxed, and talked, and then all of a sudden, 3 hours had passed, and it was just too late.  But I don't feel bad about it because my back and my arms were so very sore (still are today).  It's just one day.  I work hard.

Today I did the stair climber while I people watched the new hot trainer.  35 minutes.  Boom!  Then I felt like I needed more, so I did my hip abductor (outside hips) and adductors (inside of thighs) for multiple sets.  I just feel all gross and jiggly.  I have been off of sweets and that part of my eating has been very good, but my setback is not what I choose to eat, but how much of that item I eat.  Ugg.  It's frustrating, and I want to be better, but it's like I just can't push over this hurdle. 

I've also been using my new watch that has a built in pedometer.  Yesterday, I did about 12,500 steps!  Pretty impressive.  Today was just shy of 10,000.  9,800 or so I think?  It's so crazy.  I am on my feet and going going going all day.  I'm pretty tired of it.  But when it comes to looking for a new job, since I don't have my degree yet, I don't even feel like I am worthy of a better job.  I hope I either find something, or get over that by the time I actually graduate (t minus 53 weeks by the way and thank you very much).  It also has a built in heart rate moniter that seems pretty accurate.  It tells you what your heart rate is, and the percentage of how hard your heart is working.  Very cool.  I read this article about a woman who was logging 20,000 steps a day.  What a walker!

Today's success: Getting to the gym and sweating it out.
Today's setbacks: Overeating and indulging in too many carbohydrates. 

Also, I saw this lady at the gym today who has this fancy hula hoop.  She wasn't just hooping, she was dancing while she was doing it.  And then it pulled apart for easy travel?  It had ridges on the inside.  It was weird and cool, and made me want to get a hula hoop.  On to craigslist...

Another Monday...

...of totally owning it!

Barely made it to the gym on time today for my session.  Ahh Panera!  You suck my soul dry.  But had a somewhat painful and difficult hour or some upper body work.  Achilles still feeling tender, so that means taking it easy this week, and no running for the next few days.  This makes me sadder than you can imagine.  Running is it.  Rats. 

Today's success: Was actually in a better mood despite feeling so sad and letharigic yesterday (and all weekend...let's not lie to ourselves).  Finished those damn inverted push ups.  Inverted push ups!  My feet were higher than my shoulders!  Seriously so hard.
Today's Setbacks: My love of Wendy's chicken sandwiches.  That's what I had for dinner.  But I had to be at the car place all night, so there's that excuse, right?

I've also been thinking that I should try to take something more away with how crappy I've been feeling lately.  I need a lesson.  Today, I feel grateful that I have the desire and drive to still work hard.  I might not be moving towards my end goals as fast as I want to be (cough cough...chicken sandwich), but I am certainly not giving up.  I have the desire to kick your ass and rub your face in it!  What can I say?  I'm very competitive.  I don't give up as easily as I used to.  I need to remember to not give up on myself so much.  What can I do to have a more long lasting positive outlook?  Something to chew on.

Also, good news!!  I might have a new running friend.  A female friend!  I never make female friends.  Stay tuned.  We shall see.

School Assignment #2

Review the case study below and in 350 – 700 words explain how you would approach this employee, anticipate the employee’s response, and discuss which conflict resolution techniques you would use. Submit your response to your instructor through the Dropbox in your online course and add it to your Blog.

“You are a department manager in a mid-sized company that provides technology support services.  You have ten employees who are required to maintain a high level of technical expertise and deliver excellent customer service.  One of your employees, who has been with the company for two years, is performing at a substandard level and you have received numerous complaints from customers and coworkers.  In addition, this employee has displayed confrontational behavior which has created a hostile environment.  You must now meet with this employee and deliver an ultimatum regarding the need for immediate improvement or dismissal.”

Case Study

As a manager who needs to confront an employee in regards to their performance, I would approach them and ask them if they were able to speak with me privately for a moment.  I would not want to make them feel uncomfortable by forcing a conversation on them in front of their peers.  Not only is that unprofessional as a manager, but puts the employee in a very uncomfortable situation.   Since the employee has been accused of being confrontational, I would be prepared for them to possibly be upset and defensive about our topic and conversation.  I would have different prepared answers and talking points that I want to address with the employee to keep our conversation on track (Lewis, 2009). 

If the employee has not been previously warned or spoken to about the issues, I do not feel that dismissal is the next step after a verbal warning.  I feel the steps should be verbal warning, written warning, and then a dismissal.  As such, I would approach the employee with the attitude that together we can mediate through this problem.  I would want our conversation to focus on what we can do from this point forward to enhance the experience for our customers.  I feel that it is important to communicate to the employee that it is ok to take a designated amount of time to find this solution before further action must be taken by the management.  I would also approach the employee with a neutral attitude, and ask for his opinion on the situation.  Do they think that there is improvement that can be obtained?  Is there something else going on in the employee’s personal life that is affecting their performance?  I would ask my employee to state his version of the dilemma as well as a solution that they believe can be accomplished (Lewis, 2009). 

It is important that I listen carefully to what this employee has to say and give them the respect and time to communicate their thoughts and opinions about what they feel that they need in order to improve their performance.  I must also resist the urge to argue or defend my point in the event that the employee does become defensive.  We both must also attempt to be focused on the end goal of improving the experience for our customers (Lewis, 2009).  This process can really be defined as the stop, think, listen, and communicate, or S-TLC method (Cahn & Abigail, 2007).  As a manager, I took the time to stop and then think about what needed to be addressed with the employee.  I also asked questions that provided me with the opportunity to listen to my employee’s opinion.  After that, we both communicated and created a plan of action that we are both aware of that will either result in improved behavior and actions from the employee or he will be dismissed from our organization.

finishing the week strong

i almost didnt go to the gym today i am so tired, but i settled for 30 minutes and pushed hard. although i think i might have over trained a bit this week because my achilles hurts. i did 30 minutes on the treadmill. i was trying to run hard and fast...as much as i could. my motivation was to convince myself i was strong, but mostly i was just mad at my bank teller crush because he didnt talk to me today. ugg!! prove him how strong i am.

today's success: staying awake, not falling asleep, and going strong 5 days this week.
today's setbacks: ate 2 bags of chips (individual sizes) but now that it is almost time to turn in, i feel a little bad about it. pain in my achilles. i hope it is not lingering bc i have been through that before and it took me weeks to work through it.

sometime, there's so much to say, you gotta make two updates!

I just read this...

by Ann Kearney-Cooke, Ph.D
Shape November 2010

"Q.My friends have it easier than me-they're not stressed, in a dating slump, or struggling to get slim. It's not fair! I hate feeling this way-what can I do?

A. One of the biggest causes of emotional distress is holding on to the idea that life should be a specific way. And while it may appear that your friends have it all, chances are they're struggling with their own set of insecurities and problems that you're not aware of. So stop obsessing about what they have and you don't. Instead, assess what you'd like to change, and turn your envy and frustration into an opportunity for growth.  Pick one area t,o start with, such as work, relationships, or appearance. For instance, if you haven't had much romantic success, change your approach. You can't get different results by doing the same thing, so if you typically try to meet guys at bars, try connecting with them through your college alumni association instead-or ask your friends to set you up with someone. Going after what you want, rather than comparing yourself to others, is the best way to break out of your rut. But don't be afraid to ask for help; seeing a therapist might give you perspective."

a

Constructive Criticism

I was working out with Igor today, and it was going well.  We started our regular end of session boxing a little early.  Sweet, extra time punching stuff.  But then it just turned.  Or I just turned.  I felt like I was doing it right.  I felt like my body was doing what I was telling it to do.  A couple of times I felt my hands drop, and I did try to correct myself before he had to say anything, but alas, he still noticed. 

Then I was doing some drills on the bag, and he pointed out that I wasn't pivoting my toes and that I was doing something wrong with my arms with how I was throwing.  It was like a switch just flipped inside of me.  I turned and tried to walk it off before I finished the drill.  Igor even asked me what was wrong.  The anger just flared inside of me.  I didn't tell him though.  I felt all these crazy emotions rise up inside of me and I wanted to cry.  The tears filled my eyes, but I held it in.  Then when I was alone in my car, I couldn't cry at all.  I don't know what any of that means.

I don't even want to list any successes for today.  I feel like my bad attitude, cupcakes, and emotional eating undermined everything successful that I did today.  Crap.  :(

Bitches beware!

I am back and motivated whooooo!  Just a quick update that today I ran on the treadmill for 63 minutes and "travelled" 5.15 miles. faster and farther than yesterday. Now it is time for bed.

Dreaming of warmer weather? Time for a vacation already!

The snow keeps coming, and just won't stop.  I would rather run on the treamill any day than endure cold burning windy temps on my face.  I ran today on the treadmill for an hour. 

63 minutes : 4.66 miles.  What's up???

Then I had to go get my car looked at but a very adorable car technician, who unfortunately isn't working when I have to come back again on Thursday for a new part.  Boo.  But while I was sitting there I read through an issue of Runner's World from last year.  (Side note: if you love magazines like I do, but hate paying $3 and $4 some dollars per issue, Half Price Books is your new best friend for currest issues at only 50 cents a pop!)  While I was seriously considering doing a bicyle tour vacation by myself later this year, now I've got a new idea that is rolling around in my crazy impulsive head.  I'm thinking about signing up for a big monumental race (half marathon or more) and planning a vacation around it.  The race could be at the beginning of the week, and then the rest of the time could just be relaxing, site seeing, and time off of work and resting from running.  Then once I come back, it would be time to get back into the schedule and routine and set new goals and not put running off.  Like a certain other time after a certain other half marathon.  But there is one down side to this that has me scared.  I just don't really want to go on a vacation by myself. 

At least on a bike tour, you are with a group of people the whole time.  Hmmm...more to ponder though.

**Today's success: Worked out and had a great run.  Ate decent throughout the day.  Throuroughly stretched out afterwards.  Had my first blog comment!  Woooo!
**Today's Setbacks: Ate two cupcakes.  Considering a 3rd right now.  Realized that my Nikes are not my favorite to run in.  They are light weight and great for other things, but I do not like them for running.  I think I am a tried and true Asics fan.  Those aren't my exact model, but similar. 

Beginning of the week update

I used to hate working out. I hated the sweating, moving, and jiggling about in front of other people. But strangely enough, those things just don't matter to me any more. It's like, my workout doesn't feel complete unless I've soaked my t-shirt in sweat, and my hair is all wet. It's not enough unless I've gone for at least 90 minutes. I could always squeeze in another 10 or 15 minutes. I have it in me. Tell me you think I can't do it, and I will prove you wrong. I'm not embarrassed anymore.

When I run or work out, something amazing happens, and everything else just disappears. The only thing that matters is that I am moving my body. With running, it's one foot in front of the other. Left, right, left, right. Breathe deep in through my nose, and out through my mouth. Nothing else exists. I have complete control over every part of my body. I move it and I tell it what to do. When everything else disappears, this is when I am happiest and most complete.

So an update about last week. My goal was to work out Monday through Friday all five days. I hit 4 out of 5. On Friday, I had a meeting at work, and was on the clock for over 10 hours. Being the end of the week, I just didn't have any energy left after 5 o'clock. I went to see my crush at the bank to deposit money, and I went home and vegged out and relaxed. I should have ran over the weekend, but I'm still struggling with feeling sorry for myself. I need to snap out of that, and begin being grateful and "embrace the wonderful things you do have and enjoy it all to the fullest." Thank you Eric! I'm going to try to keep that in mind more now.

Today's success: Powered through feeling beyond tired. Had a great training session.
Today's setbacks: Eating. It's always that, isn't it?

School Assignment

Media Technology

      Digital Book readers: American companies sold over 6.6 million e-book readers and 55 million smart phones, capable of running e-book readers like the Kindle app, in 2010 (Grimaldi, 2011).  I think this form of technology is pretty amazing.  It doesn’t just apply to books, but also magazines and newspapers too!  I used the kindle app to purchase a book in a previous class, and I also downloaded it for my phone too.  I didn’t read anything on my phone though I must admit.  I’m actually not a very big fan of reading long things on the computer.  This new form of technology is changing the way we shop and communicate though.  Bookstores are struggling, as Borders declares bankruptcy (Grimaldi, 2011).  I think any audience interested in reading would be drawn to this media.  I see people at the gym and at Panera all the time using Kindles, iPads, and other devices. 

Social Networking:  It’s a fast, free, and convenient way to share tons of information quickly.  At first, I only used facebook to see what my friends were up to.  I used Myspace to look at pictures.  I used livejournal to blog about my own feelings.  Now, I use facebook constantly!  I think I might be addicted!  But it was this great new tool initially that connected people within networks (schools, colleges, universities) to be able to share multiple things at once.  The creators of Facebook then expanded the networks to high schoolers, and later on, everyone and anyone who wants to join. 

Shared networking: I’m not sure if this is the right term exactly, but this is a way that people within an office can create a document, and then save it into a networked folder that is accessible by multiple people.  I used to use a shared network folder for a journalism class in high school.  This way the reporters could create their articles and put them into the folder, and the section editors could open it and put the content into a page layout.  It also worked the same way with photos too.  This type of communication and media can actually have two audiences.  The other people using the information, and in my situation, our readers were our audience as well. 

Gaming:  I’m lumping a bunch of different things together here.  Online gamers play games together on servers (the place where the game is hosted).  The game itself is a form of technology where people can come together from all parts of the world to talk and play.  They use headsets and microphones to have live voice chats while they play.  They also use instant messaging built into the game or built into the program that runs the game, or even through an outside program.  The companies who develop and create the games are intending them for the players who are their audience.  People use this technology to communicate, play, have fun, and relax.

References

Grimaldi, P. (2011, February 7).  Book lovers lament Borders’ woes; Economy.  The Providence Journal, A.1, retrieved February 17, 2011 from ProQuest Direct database.

Day 4 - Tight muscles, sore legs

Well, I had training today.  I laid down the law and said no dead lifts today!  Igor said he has the same problem after he does them too.  My back isn't as sore today which is a huge plus, but it's still pretty intense.  After yesterdays sprints, the long run, and crawls, my hamstrings are tight, as are my shoulders. 

The weather warmed up today, so inside the gym it was like a sauna!  Apparently their air wasn't working quite right.  I don't think I've ever sweat that much.  I tried to drink a lot of water while I was in there.  I really need to watch what I eat over the next few days to stay on track. 

My plan was to work out tomorrow too, but I have a meeting that goes until 5, so I'm not sure if I will have the energy after 10 hours at work.  I'm thinking that I should not go tomorrow, and really make the effort Saturday morning.  It's usually pretty hard for me though to drag my butt out of the house on Saturday to work out.  I go-go-go all week, and I'm ready just to hibernate all weekend.  I also need to go to the grocery store for a few staple items. 

Today's success: Working hard and not giving up!
Today's setbacks: Too much evening munching.  Boooo.

Day 3 - Aches and Pains

I made it there today, and I ran the whole 5k in about 35ish minutes, and ran at a faster pace.  That was my goal, and accomplished.  But then I had this cramp/ache/pain/knot in my left thigh - quad side, and I decided not to push any farther than needed.  I also ran 8 minutes at an 11 minute mile, and then two minutes at a twelve minute mile.  I decided not to do any more, like back strengthening work today because my lower back still feels really messed up.  It even hurts up into my shoulders and neck a bit. 

Saw Igor as I was on my way to stretch.  I did some bear walks with him, alligator walk, and a crab walk.  The alligator was a doozey.  I also did 4 sprints with him.  It was supposed to be 5, but we stopped early.  I thought I was going to die, but I just kept thinking one more minute, one more minute, one more minute.  I can, I can, I can.  Then I stretched.  It was good.  Very successful.

Success: Made it to the gym, and worked out for about an hour and a half.  Also, I felt super hot today.  Woohoo.
Setbacks: My back still hurts.  I'm also really tired.  Early bed for me tonight.

My setbacks aren't really too bad for today.  Oh wait!  I ate an extra piece of pizza that I really shouldn't have eaten.  Darn food. 

day 2

posting from my phone today...please excuse my lack of capitalization.

mission work out again...accomplished. i spent almost an hour on the treadmill. ive discovered that it feels better to run at a faster pace and take bigger strides, but it is just not comfortable to go that fast for extended time periods. however, today my whole body aches. what a workout yesterdays but my lower back really hurts and is sore beyond belief. some of those deadlifts yesterday were really hard on me.  so my new plan is to get back to strengthening my back.

im considering a half marathon in may. its such a big commitment, and im not sure if i have the gusto to go the distance again. it is so hard on my body, and the kick betsy's ass motivation isnt as strong like it was my first half marathon.  more on that later...

The New Week

Monday, Day 1

Success!  Technically, I did have help from Igor (only the world's best trainer) who pushed me to the limit today.  Lots of upper body.  Whew!  I started out with a warm up on the stair machine, and then did run/walk intervals on the treadmill.  I did dead lifts which killed my lower back.  I really need to do some additional strength exercises to toughen that back up.

Something else that I realized today is that I would really like to be in a relationship with someone who likes to work out, and who wants to work out with me.  I read this yesterday in Shape magazine.  Hello great reason to work out!  Work out AND THEN have more fun in bed!?!?  I hope the person I am with likes to run. 

Today's success: Lost one pound!  I am back on track.
Today's setbacks: I ate waffles for dinner when I got home, but I'm going to make up for it tomorrow and eat very well.

New Week, New Try, New Efforts

My goal for this week is to work out every day.  Small or big, Monday through Friday.  That's the goal.  I think I can do it.

Today was yoga day at the clubhouse, but I skipped it.  I felt guilty about it, but I will make up for it.

My weakness/workout for today...I'm not going to lie about it.  I bought an ice cream ball (Play and Freeze).  It sort of looks like a medicine ball.  So I made ice cream and shook that bad boy for like 30 minutes.  Then I enjoyed my ice cream.  But my arms are still crying from Friday.  I also bought a new bag for the gym since my old one had a broken zipper.  I found it at goodwill for $5 and it's also a soccer backpack!  I think it's going to be perfect.

Time for sleep!

To carb, or not to carb

I ate well today, I'm proud to say it.  I also had a kickass workout, where I owned those boxing gloves.  It was good to not be stressed about my dad and just hit something as hard as I could and have everything melt away.  Instead of running before my workout, I did a moderate walk at a high incline.  My calves are going to be burning tomorrow. 

Also, we are now blogging in my class at school, and I have officially, as of say two minutes ago, submitted this new blog for our class assignment.  (Followers, anyone?) 

Today's successes: eating well and not overeating or having too much junk.
Today's setbacks: feeling cranky, and not getting enough sleep the night before.  I did eat a piece of bread at lunch, but I didn't eat too terribly much throughout the day. 

I am looking forward to getting home from work tomorrow and sleeping!

Hello again....Monday

Well, I didn't work out over the weekend.  Why is that?  Because it was the weekend, and I want to rest.  I also ate like crap.  The one thing that always feels good when I am sad is eating.  It's messed up and I hate that about myself.  I read an article about how you should attempt to change that.  I should find it. 

I have a headache, and don't want to write more today, but I did want to share that.

Friends

I said I would work out yesterday, but then my end of day meeting ran long, and I didn't want to do it.  I texted Igor and asked if he had worked out yet.  He said he was just getting ready to start his cardio.  I asked if I could come, and he said yes, so I went and worked out with Igor.  It was fun.  I ran harder, farther, and longer than usual.  Mixed with intervals of some other things. 

I think the main lesson here is that I really need some other friends. 

The cats are being crazy...I need to go check on them.  It would be nice to have a blog follower. Or anyone who cared.  I think I have some interesting things to say, that some one can probably relate to.

Feeling lonely

So I do feel very lonely.  I'm so crazy busy all the time now, and my job is pretty consuming and even overwhelming, and of course stressful.  I am grateful to have a job that makes a decent amount of money.  I am grateful to pay my bills.  I love working out with Igor, even though it does cost an arm and a leg that is much too much, but I love it.  I love that he's so nice and social, and I feel like he gets me and understands.  Which is nice.  I feel like a lot of people just don't understand me. 

I dropped out of soccer for this session.  But I don't know if I want to go back.  I could join a women's team for a while.  Women...hmmm? 

What I'm really considering is joining a running club, but I'm not sure if that's the right fit for me.  Running club?

Today's achievements: Worked out hard.  Ran faster at a consistent pace.
Today's setbacks: The stupid blueberry cobbler thing that I finished off.

snowpocolypse

so the blizzard of 11 has come and gone, and i was super bad yesterday and even worse today. so much for diet. i will have to make up for it over the next few days. i'm just feeling very stressed about finances and struggling with how to cope with loneliness. i snow shoveled a bit today. not much, but a bit. not enough to counteract the giant (uhh... half) blueberry cobbler/danish thing i hunkered down to. my workout is still on for tomorrow. i'm being responsible and posting to this, but it's from my almost dead phone. tomorrow will be a better day. i'll burn some extra calories where i can.

First Entry

So I've been thinking about this for a while now, and the one thing that makes me forget all other things, makes me happier than anything-even for just a moment-is working out.  Sometimes it's running, sometimes it's boxing, sometimes it's soccer, but for just a few moments nothing else exists besides moving my body, and doing the best that I can possibly do.  Afterwards, I feel powerful and strong...at least until I remember all of the other things that are on my plate and still need to be done.

So this is my blog.  I'll hold myself accountable, and I'll try to tell where I'm succeeding and where I'm struggling, and where I want to improve.

Right now:
+ + succeeding at generally eating better, and more frequent work outs that are burning more calories
- -struggling at eating better in the evenings, dealing with pain in my back from too fluffy pillows, and generally feeling lousy because my boyfriend and I broke up, and I moved out.
+ + Looking to improve by meeting the original goal and losing 18 more pounds to get to 160.  Running farther, longer, and faster.  And I secretly (but not anymore) want a flat muscled out stomach.