This weekend, I spent the whole weekend by myself. Some would find this refreshing, but it's been well established that I find this lonely and terrible. I was thinking today and I was driving about how I feel angry and upset with someone who is in my life right now on a regular basis. I have this feeling that they have moved on in a way that I haven't yet. And it got me to thinking about the way I act towards people, and I realize that I am constantly testing them to see if they measure up to my expectations. [Expectations: I could write a whole blog with hours and hours and days and days about just that in so many parts of my life.]
I won't call you to test you to see if you think of me. [You don't.]
I won't say hello to you to test you to see if you notice me. [You didn't.]
I will with hold something I think you want, to see if you want it badly enough. [You never did.]
I think I've been doing this since I was old enough to manipulate. And let's think about that; that's well before we even have language. Babies cry because they want something. Some babies learn that it's nice to be lazy and be picked up and carried all the time, so they cry until you do that. It's what they want. They are manipulating you. [I've seen it.] More importantly, I think and know that I've been doing this.
I also think I'm even guilty of testing myself. [Maybe this is why I constantly have an injury in my Achilles. I'm this close > < to giving up running.] I don't really know how to grow and move on. I can eat well all week, and then completely destroy every bit of good that I've done on the weekends with food.
I'm currently feeling sad, lonely, and frustrated. Blarg.
No comments:
Post a Comment