I am so incredibly unhappy. Can you mix incredible and unhappy in the same sentence? Can you use incredible to describe just how unhappy you are? I am unhappy. I am failing. I am miserable. And the one thing I want more than anything else is attention, and when I have it, I feel fine. I wouldn't call that feeling of having attention happiness, but I feel like I have enough in that moment to be content for all of like 5 seconds.
I didn't get up this morning to go to yoga. I haven't finished my paper yet. I haven't eaten. I haven't finished grocery shopping. I haven't cleaned my apartment or put shit away. I haven't brushed my hair yet today. I haven't finalized my plans with my surrogate Grandma. I'M UNHAPPY, and I'm SCREAMING it to everyone. But what is anyone supposed to do? Every once in a while, I have the feeling of fleeting okayness, but it goes away before I can even enjoy it. I'm tired of strife and being alone, and being confused, and even having long hair. I decided that if my dad does have to have chemo, and if he starts to lose his hair, I will shave my head. I hope it's long enough to donate in that case. I think it still might be like an inch or two too short.
I've been looking and looking for a bike. But I don't really know what I'm doing, what I'm looking for, and I know I don't want to spend over a certain very inexpensive amount, which is a shame, because apparently the type of bike I am interested in seems to be the cost equivalent of the Rolls Royce of bicycles. Damn.
What else is weird about this mood that I am in right now, is that I want attention, but then occasionally when the opportunity for it comes up, I just feel annoyed that I am not truly getting what I want, and I want everyone to stay away from me. I feel so angry right now. And lazy, and upset, and unhappy. What the hell? I'm so sick of everyone around me seeming to be the opposite of me. I'm so sick of everyone. Including myself. I need gas for my car. Uggg. It's just one thing after another that has to be done. I'm ready to turn off, tune out, and not do anything. I don't want any responsibilities. I don't want anything. I don't want to be on antidepressants. I don't want to feel so miserable anymore.
Courtney,
ReplyDeleteOh yes I think I have been there, participating at a happy event but yet still not feeling the happy. I learned I do not need to be happy just because everyone else is. Are you running less? It sounds like you are low on endorphins. First step stop measuring yourself against other people's expectations. No two people are the same. Second choose a goal, even a simple one and do it. Take care of yourself and I will stop by later.
Sharon Marie