Not to participate in traditions, because traditions are for dickheads, but I am thankful I don't have babies or kids. Shit, just looking at them gives me headaches. Their constant want and need of things. The way my already shitty life couldn't be complete without them. Oh blow me. But yet I torture myself with thinking about it constantly, even though I could care less, and would be much happier in a world without kids.
Everything since I have moved up here has been shit. Which is strange really. I cared a great deal about Miggy while we were dating, but in hindsight, I don't believe that he ever really cared about me. It's actually quite strange to even think about it because he never gets excited over anything. The only positive thing that seemed to come of that, was me adopting his family. Which is again, pretty fucked up and weird. It would weird me out if one of my ex boyfriends came over to my families houses and hung out with them and talked with them without me. But then again, all my ex boyfriends have been dickheads, so what do I know?
I used to be adventurous, and whatever it was that changed in 2008 and 2009: friendships falling apart, quitting one job for school that fell through, being unemployed, randomly moving here without really thinking about it and just doing it, and Lindsay dying; all those things put together with pointing out the spot on dad's face for the first time, the look on his face when he told us that it wasn't going away and that there were only months left no matter what we did, the secrets they kept, I don't know... but the adventurer in me seems to have died. There's no room for adventure of fun anymore. I don't think that there ever will be again. The anxiety in the past four years has only grown to a point, where it is uncomfortable to grocery shop sometimes. I can't be around strangers, I can't make friends, I can't keep friends. I have given up what few small dreams I still held onto, because they seem pointless now.
I'm so sick of people telling me that my dad wouldn't want me to be sad like this. Guess what people? My dad didn't want to die period. I'm sorry but both ideas just cannot coexist together. I just can't figure out how to cope and move on. Everything in my life has fallen apart. I have one good hour a day Monday through Friday when I borrow a dog. How sad is that? The rest of my time is spent alone by myself. At least that way I don't spend what little money is left, and I can keep being unemployed. Yay for no direction. Yay for no social life. Yay for people showing some god damn fucking empathy for something that they can't understand or even imagine.
Ultimately, it doesn't even matter. I'm alone all the time. I come home and stay alone some more. I don't talk to anyone. I don't even want to talk to anyone anyways. No one calls. I don't call anymore. No parents, no brother. No family. No friends. Barely any acquaintances.
The whole bottle of Tylenol might kill my liver, but it just isn't enough to put me out. I admit, I like the idea of what the people at work would say and think. I'm pretty sure there would be some guilty hands in there. I like the idea of what the people who didn't believe me when I said I would do it would think. "Oh, I should have spoken up." Too late now. There are some people I would be sad for. But I try not to think about them. They obviously aren't thinking about me.
I'm also thinking about shaving my head after his one year anniversary. I want to donate or sell it all. I figure that if things don't slightly improve after a year, especially a year where they have only become worse as time has gone on, then it will be time to reconsider the Tylenol act, or whatever the fuck it is that we are calling it. It's only like two weeks away too.
Which is strange as well. I remember a lot of last year. I remember super vivid moments and other events I can't recall at all. Maybe that's good?
The less I talk to people, the more I wonder how long it would take them to find me. Beth would probably notice first. I hate to put that burden on her.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
driving away
I miss my dad so much. Everything hurts and everything feels broken. It just feels like I can call him anytime I want like I used to, and he will answer. I call and wait for his voice, but it will never pick up again. How am I supposed to do anything. How am I not supposed to hurt when he wasn't at my graduation, and he didn't see me walk across the stage, and he wasn't here for my birthday?
I don't believe in anything. I don't feel him out there. There's no such thing as him watching over me or protecting me. I don't believe that. And if anyone tries to tell me that I'm wrong, and I just need to believe a little harder, they are fucking blind. I believed really hard and that didn't save him or myself.
I am broken and falling in on myself. I am lost.
He will never walk me down the aisle (although I have tossed that dream because none of my dreams come true). That one really hurts. I just want my dad. It's not fair. It's not fair that I watched him disappear. It's not fair that I am still alone after all this time. It's not fucking fair. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm resentful. I'm hateful. Aren't those all just really the same things anyways?
I watch shitty tv to distract me and I spend time by myself because people don't know what to do with me. They don't know what to say to me or how to "handle" me. Fuck you. Yes, because doing nothing is obviously better than trying anything; fucking idiots.
Happiness isn't a choice that I am capable of. It isn't possible right now. Anyone who says it is, is blind and stupid.
I eat and sleep and pretend that none of this exists. If she did it, I wouldn't be angry anymore. I don't want to be here either. This place is too painful. The bad times are supposed to make me more appreciative of the good times? There are no more good times. Those times are over.
This is fucking bullshit. I know I can't just sit and not do anything now. I have to keep moving. But I don't know where my next move is. I hate everything about myself and what I am doing right now. But there is nothing else available to go towards.
This past year has been agonizing and I really hate the fall. I hate everyone and everything right now. This is fucking bullshit.
I don't believe in anything. I don't feel him out there. There's no such thing as him watching over me or protecting me. I don't believe that. And if anyone tries to tell me that I'm wrong, and I just need to believe a little harder, they are fucking blind. I believed really hard and that didn't save him or myself.
I am broken and falling in on myself. I am lost.
He will never walk me down the aisle (although I have tossed that dream because none of my dreams come true). That one really hurts. I just want my dad. It's not fair. It's not fair that I watched him disappear. It's not fair that I am still alone after all this time. It's not fucking fair. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm resentful. I'm hateful. Aren't those all just really the same things anyways?
I watch shitty tv to distract me and I spend time by myself because people don't know what to do with me. They don't know what to say to me or how to "handle" me. Fuck you. Yes, because doing nothing is obviously better than trying anything; fucking idiots.
Happiness isn't a choice that I am capable of. It isn't possible right now. Anyone who says it is, is blind and stupid.
I eat and sleep and pretend that none of this exists. If she did it, I wouldn't be angry anymore. I don't want to be here either. This place is too painful. The bad times are supposed to make me more appreciative of the good times? There are no more good times. Those times are over.
This is fucking bullshit. I know I can't just sit and not do anything now. I have to keep moving. But I don't know where my next move is. I hate everything about myself and what I am doing right now. But there is nothing else available to go towards.
This past year has been agonizing and I really hate the fall. I hate everyone and everything right now. This is fucking bullshit.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Realizations
I think I finally have it figured out and I'm not high to forget it or high to think it's funny or high to change the subject.
How can I respect her, when all I have ever seen her do is make shitty decisions.
Dad is dying in the hospital and I can't change anything, and I am going to not listen to your advice and I am going to go against everything that everyone is saying, and I am going to move back home and we are going to do it tonight. Even though that means that if anything happens, we will be an hour away from all medical treatments and we will have to have transportation come to us, which will take x amount of time if there is an emergency. Amazing decision.
I am going to never listen to anything you have to say and I am going to try to force you to be just like me. I am a stupid fucking bitch who can't communicate, who bottles up their feelings and won't even tell you when I am hungry or that I want things.
I have to be the host? Fuck you. The only reason you are here is because I was going to be incapacitated to the point that I was unable to drive. I didn't even ask you to come here. You just volunteered. That does not make me a host. I am not hosting you. You are my family. Get the fuck over yourself.
I hate you. I have always hated you, and for that matter, it should have been you. We could all get along just fine without you, but we can't without him.
How can I possibly respect you when I think you are stupid? Awesome. FML
How can I respect her, when all I have ever seen her do is make shitty decisions.
Dad is dying in the hospital and I can't change anything, and I am going to not listen to your advice and I am going to go against everything that everyone is saying, and I am going to move back home and we are going to do it tonight. Even though that means that if anything happens, we will be an hour away from all medical treatments and we will have to have transportation come to us, which will take x amount of time if there is an emergency. Amazing decision.
I am going to never listen to anything you have to say and I am going to try to force you to be just like me. I am a stupid fucking bitch who can't communicate, who bottles up their feelings and won't even tell you when I am hungry or that I want things.
I have to be the host? Fuck you. The only reason you are here is because I was going to be incapacitated to the point that I was unable to drive. I didn't even ask you to come here. You just volunteered. That does not make me a host. I am not hosting you. You are my family. Get the fuck over yourself.
I hate you. I have always hated you, and for that matter, it should have been you. We could all get along just fine without you, but we can't without him.
How can I possibly respect you when I think you are stupid? Awesome. FML
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Realizations
I am insecure and unhappy. And not only has grief been plaguing me since David and I broke up, or since I found out at best, I would only have 18 months left with me dad, which was a far cry from the truth. It has been plaguing me beyond the point where he disappeared and the disease took over. It has been plaguing me since before I watched him take his last place in a cold sterile place, that was the best we could do.
The first times I can remember being self-conscious and feeling embarrassed about myself, I was in 3rd or fourth grade. I have been grieving because of my whole life.
Looking back, I felt, no better yet, I feel that I remember middle school and high school fondly. I hate that I am the 27 year old who can't stop reminiscing about childhood and high school. It was safe. I always knew that it was even while I was in it. No one else understood. So high school was good, and then the grief took over.
Was I not emotionally prepared for the world? That's what it seems to be the more I think and think and think about it. We were forced to pick and apply to colleges. I don't like being forced to choose anything. But I finally chose something that I loved. That I knew I loved and that I knew I was good at it. That's what we are supposed to do isn't it? Follow our American Dreams?
So I apply to college and get it!! But I can't go because it is too far away and too expensive.
I grieve the loss of my dream school.
I grieve the loss of my dream profession.
I am forced to go to community college. I hate it on principle alone, and feel stupid.
I grieve the loss of my best friends who go to "normal" college and seem to love it and make new friends.
I make no new friends.
Our friendships begin to fail. The girls I thought would always be in my life.
They have left me and moved on for new friends. I still don't understand why we don't grow together.
Because my parents met when they were little and stayed together their whole lives, this is what I expect of my own relationships. The first boyfriend I have, I blow it for being a lemming. The second boyfriend I have tells me upfront that he is a bad person. He pushes my boundaries. I let him.
I grieve the loss of partner's dreams. I am incomplete without a partner. I hate admitting it, thinking it, feeling it, or believing it.
My friends experience grief I can't understand, and I lose them even more with a deeper divide.
I drop out of school. I grieve the loss of my confidence.
I move out in a terrible fight with my mom. I grieve the loss of my family and my childhood.
Teenage life was easy and irresponsible, and all I was, was a goody goody. I blew it. I should have been crazy and wild. Instead I was a prude and embarrassed, but happy. And now I'm a racist. Stupid job.
I'm still in love with David. I know that. Otherwise I wouldn't hurt over him so much and I wouldn't think about it so much. He broke my heart though. In a way that I didn't think was even available to him, but it was more available than ever before. I miss his calmness and his intelligence. I miss the way he cared about me. I don't want to though. I want to be over him. Then I meet Mike and even though I do like him, I'm already to broken to be normal.
I spend all this time trying to protect myself and keep myself safe from being hurt by people. I keep them away as much as possible and hope that they keep wanting me. Then when I finally feel like I'm ready to let them in, I have been to mean to them and they don't want me anymore.
I'm crying now. I'm so hurt. I think that maybe I've always been this messed up. I just didn't realize it. I do hate everyone. I have done this. I have been mean and I have pushed them away and I have been untrustworthy and untrusting. I have put myself here. I want the girl fantasy to be rescue and desired and wanted. But no one wants a girl like me who is self conscious and sad and broken. And I'm so sad and broken and alone, that I don't want to be optimistic or nice to people.
The first times I can remember being self-conscious and feeling embarrassed about myself, I was in 3rd or fourth grade. I have been grieving because of my whole life.
Looking back, I felt, no better yet, I feel that I remember middle school and high school fondly. I hate that I am the 27 year old who can't stop reminiscing about childhood and high school. It was safe. I always knew that it was even while I was in it. No one else understood. So high school was good, and then the grief took over.
Was I not emotionally prepared for the world? That's what it seems to be the more I think and think and think about it. We were forced to pick and apply to colleges. I don't like being forced to choose anything. But I finally chose something that I loved. That I knew I loved and that I knew I was good at it. That's what we are supposed to do isn't it? Follow our American Dreams?
So I apply to college and get it!! But I can't go because it is too far away and too expensive.
I grieve the loss of my dream school.
I grieve the loss of my dream profession.
I am forced to go to community college. I hate it on principle alone, and feel stupid.
I grieve the loss of my best friends who go to "normal" college and seem to love it and make new friends.
I make no new friends.
Our friendships begin to fail. The girls I thought would always be in my life.
They have left me and moved on for new friends. I still don't understand why we don't grow together.
Because my parents met when they were little and stayed together their whole lives, this is what I expect of my own relationships. The first boyfriend I have, I blow it for being a lemming. The second boyfriend I have tells me upfront that he is a bad person. He pushes my boundaries. I let him.
I grieve the loss of partner's dreams. I am incomplete without a partner. I hate admitting it, thinking it, feeling it, or believing it.
My friends experience grief I can't understand, and I lose them even more with a deeper divide.
I drop out of school. I grieve the loss of my confidence.
I move out in a terrible fight with my mom. I grieve the loss of my family and my childhood.
Teenage life was easy and irresponsible, and all I was, was a goody goody. I blew it. I should have been crazy and wild. Instead I was a prude and embarrassed, but happy. And now I'm a racist. Stupid job.
I'm still in love with David. I know that. Otherwise I wouldn't hurt over him so much and I wouldn't think about it so much. He broke my heart though. In a way that I didn't think was even available to him, but it was more available than ever before. I miss his calmness and his intelligence. I miss the way he cared about me. I don't want to though. I want to be over him. Then I meet Mike and even though I do like him, I'm already to broken to be normal.
I spend all this time trying to protect myself and keep myself safe from being hurt by people. I keep them away as much as possible and hope that they keep wanting me. Then when I finally feel like I'm ready to let them in, I have been to mean to them and they don't want me anymore.
I'm crying now. I'm so hurt. I think that maybe I've always been this messed up. I just didn't realize it. I do hate everyone. I have done this. I have been mean and I have pushed them away and I have been untrustworthy and untrusting. I have put myself here. I want the girl fantasy to be rescue and desired and wanted. But no one wants a girl like me who is self conscious and sad and broken. And I'm so sad and broken and alone, that I don't want to be optimistic or nice to people.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Done with Illinois
I am having a hard time forcing myself to work out, which is funny because I always feel better when I do it. I am crazy out of control right now, and hate the way I look and the way I feel. But today I did it. And Saturday I went golfing. And it would be pretty boss to go paddleboarding this coming weekend. Hopefully I will make that happen this weekend.
God I'm so miserable.
I officially have no one here in Illinois that are my friends anymore. Yes, i have my work acquaintances, but something there has changed, and Junior and I don't hang out outside of work anymore. No more friends. Grandma is still my grandma, but I don't see her very often, and she is busy with her real family. I can't stay here because I have a surrogate grandma.
One step at a time is how I am going to get through this, but there are a lot of steps coming up, and it does feel overwhelming. I have a lot to do over the next few days. Today I have made the decision that Virginia is what is in my future. I have discovered that I am able to sublet. So next is updating my resume, contacting stores in VA for a transfer, and finding someone to sublease from me here.
I don't even know. I just don't want to do all the in between work. That's the part that sucks. I just am ready to jump to VA now. Ugg.
God I'm so miserable.
I officially have no one here in Illinois that are my friends anymore. Yes, i have my work acquaintances, but something there has changed, and Junior and I don't hang out outside of work anymore. No more friends. Grandma is still my grandma, but I don't see her very often, and she is busy with her real family. I can't stay here because I have a surrogate grandma.
One step at a time is how I am going to get through this, but there are a lot of steps coming up, and it does feel overwhelming. I have a lot to do over the next few days. Today I have made the decision that Virginia is what is in my future. I have discovered that I am able to sublet. So next is updating my resume, contacting stores in VA for a transfer, and finding someone to sublease from me here.
I don't even know. I just don't want to do all the in between work. That's the part that sucks. I just am ready to jump to VA now. Ugg.
Monday, May 21, 2012
wants v realities
I want to be thankful for the things that have happened to me that have made me who I am, but I hate those things, and I hate who I am right now.
depressed
I am so depressed I can barely function. I got to leave work early on Friday, not that it really helps with me cutting any hours, as I still go into overtime every week it seems, but I came home around 2 and it had been a long terrible day. It had been a long terrible week, and I feel asleep and proceeded to stay inside all weekend. I went out Sunday night for fast food after dark. I was gone for maybe 15 minutes. What is there to go out to? I am so depressed it hurts to move or think or do anything. I cry constantly and over everything. Anything sets me off and I am like an alcoholic falling off the band wagon and in full fledged all out depression. I can't do this. I can't succeed. I can't live without my dad. My mom barely talks to me. I can barely stand her. How am I supposed to take care of her when I can barely do it for myself?
It's stopped being so confusing that he's gone now. It just is. He just isn't anymore. But I still am, and I am still miserable.
What's the point of writing this down?
I'm not suicidal depressed, but I am apathetic depressed, which in some ways feels worse that when I was suicidal.
I deleted David today. I fucking hate him. I hate that he is happy. I hate that I am sad. I hate that he is succeeding at our plan without me. I hate that my gut tells me he will end up with her, and I will get more cats. I hate that I feel unworthy of anyone. Even shitty stupid David who doesn't know how to work his own weiner. How's that for mean and vindictive?
FUCK.
It's stopped being so confusing that he's gone now. It just is. He just isn't anymore. But I still am, and I am still miserable.
What's the point of writing this down?
I'm not suicidal depressed, but I am apathetic depressed, which in some ways feels worse that when I was suicidal.
I deleted David today. I fucking hate him. I hate that he is happy. I hate that I am sad. I hate that he is succeeding at our plan without me. I hate that my gut tells me he will end up with her, and I will get more cats. I hate that I feel unworthy of anyone. Even shitty stupid David who doesn't know how to work his own weiner. How's that for mean and vindictive?
FUCK.
Monday, April 16, 2012
sneezes
I dont know. I don't really have anything else to say, it's just great to let your thoughts flow out of your brain like a waterfall that is so seasonally delightful and tropical.
And everything is so clean, yet slightly itchy. That's strange. Crying was strange. It didn't last long, but it felt quite nice. But it felt really weird while it was happening, like all surreal and strange and shit. Like I existed outside my body.
I wish these terrible and horrible and awful things on all the people who used to be around. They used to be around me because I am exactly like my mom and push everyone away and am a terrible communicater, or a total over communicator. I just want to be a slave to cheezeburgerz.
Do not resuscitate. DNR. I'll never be able to wipe the memory of my dad weak legged and brain washed by the damage and the drugs. I will always be filled with regret of every choice I made, and they made, and every lost moment.
Oh fuck. I stillz gotz it, but it's changed. Gotta go renew. And stop being on the internet, because it's ruining my life. But I just love the ability to be all super fucking connected and gossipy and all knowing. Fuck. Facebook is like the transcendetal Jesus of Jonathon Livingston Seagull's wet dreams. I don't even know what that means, but I'll put it on facebook. That's cool.
And everything is so clean, yet slightly itchy. That's strange. Crying was strange. It didn't last long, but it felt quite nice. But it felt really weird while it was happening, like all surreal and strange and shit. Like I existed outside my body.
I wish these terrible and horrible and awful things on all the people who used to be around. They used to be around me because I am exactly like my mom and push everyone away and am a terrible communicater, or a total over communicator. I just want to be a slave to cheezeburgerz.
Do not resuscitate. DNR. I'll never be able to wipe the memory of my dad weak legged and brain washed by the damage and the drugs. I will always be filled with regret of every choice I made, and they made, and every lost moment.
Oh fuck. I stillz gotz it, but it's changed. Gotta go renew. And stop being on the internet, because it's ruining my life. But I just love the ability to be all super fucking connected and gossipy and all knowing. Fuck. Facebook is like the transcendetal Jesus of Jonathon Livingston Seagull's wet dreams. I don't even know what that means, but I'll put it on facebook. That's cool.
Niece or Nephew
Casey and Laura do not have a baby. I don't really know if they are trying right now, or waiting, but at some point in time in the future, I do think they will and I am so in love with that little baby. Why is it that new life is happy and joyous when we know that there is an end that is miserable and terrible. And it is too. Fucking awful and miserable.
I am do not want a baby. I don't know why anyone would. Stupid preggers and their lording of their feminine whiles and ways and body parts that I chose to notuse and shit.
Dear Baby,
You don't even exist yet, and these people already want you and love you. I even already love you and I hate everything right now. And I really don't want to love you. But I want to see you succeed and grow up and be happy and healthy and smart and wise. I want to spend time with you and know you and be in your life all the time, but at the end of the day, I want to give you back, so that your parents can deal with the hard part. I am the perfect grandma, but the worst mom. We will hate each other. A baby of my own. They would resent me and all my decisions, the same way I feel. They will find some reason to be angry.
Why is it that we are so programmed to reproduce and keep moving along?
Why is it that I am attracted to my so far distance past? If distance doesn't exist between us, I mean didn't exist between us I would probably attempt to have sex with you every night of the week and perhaps accomplish nothing else. Why not?
Oh, using sex and drugs and rock and roll to escape my problems is apparently unhealthy. This is very confusing. Very confusing. All I wanted to do was talk about shit because talking about stuff and thinking about stuff is so great, and at first no one would think about shit with me, but now I am talking to too many people and all the conversations are getting confused inside of the gray matter that is my brain.
Fuck
I am do not want a baby. I don't know why anyone would. Stupid preggers and their lording of their feminine whiles and ways and body parts that I chose to notuse and shit.
Dear Baby,
You don't even exist yet, and these people already want you and love you. I even already love you and I hate everything right now. And I really don't want to love you. But I want to see you succeed and grow up and be happy and healthy and smart and wise. I want to spend time with you and know you and be in your life all the time, but at the end of the day, I want to give you back, so that your parents can deal with the hard part. I am the perfect grandma, but the worst mom. We will hate each other. A baby of my own. They would resent me and all my decisions, the same way I feel. They will find some reason to be angry.
Why is it that we are so programmed to reproduce and keep moving along?
Why is it that I am attracted to my so far distance past? If distance doesn't exist between us, I mean didn't exist between us I would probably attempt to have sex with you every night of the week and perhaps accomplish nothing else. Why not?
Oh, using sex and drugs and rock and roll to escape my problems is apparently unhealthy. This is very confusing. Very confusing. All I wanted to do was talk about shit because talking about stuff and thinking about stuff is so great, and at first no one would think about shit with me, but now I am talking to too many people and all the conversations are getting confused inside of the gray matter that is my brain.
Fuck
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Just Admit It.
You are totally in love with me.
Cause I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo in love with you.
Sigh.
My eyes are fire!!!!!
Cause I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo in love with you.
Sigh.
My eyes are fire!!!!!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Love should be magical.
I started to feel better. I have started to feel better, but any one little blow will set me back. And everything feels like a blow. And everything is controlled by cancer.
Why can't I be happy and social, and just fall in love and be so happy? I'm willing to take all the risks, and break my heart again, and have it be my risk. I meaN THERE must be something that I am not doing that I should be doing that is the magical key to fixing the wrongs that I am making. I'm so sad. I'm so sad that I can't have what I want.
Recognize that it's a bad situation, and just focus on the good. It is just what it is. Temporary and moving. It is a journey. I suppose. But it's hard to see any good, when the bad is so full right now.
I wanted a new dress for graduation. Something beautiful and special and grown up. Then I've also been talking to someone who I like. You know, like like. So that makes me want to buy special pretty undergarmets. Which is ridiculous because I'm not liked back, and if I was to be loved by someone, I want it to be someone who desparately wants me to be there, or someone who is willing to give it all up for me.
I don't want babies. I don't want to talk about them. I don't want anything to do with them. Uggh. It's ok, but in my head it feels like you are shoving your baby agenda down my throat. Which is just in my head.
I'm due for some good luck and the tides to turn.
I
Why can't I be happy and social, and just fall in love and be so happy? I'm willing to take all the risks, and break my heart again, and have it be my risk. I meaN THERE must be something that I am not doing that I should be doing that is the magical key to fixing the wrongs that I am making. I'm so sad. I'm so sad that I can't have what I want.
Recognize that it's a bad situation, and just focus on the good. It is just what it is. Temporary and moving. It is a journey. I suppose. But it's hard to see any good, when the bad is so full right now.
I wanted a new dress for graduation. Something beautiful and special and grown up. Then I've also been talking to someone who I like. You know, like like. So that makes me want to buy special pretty undergarmets. Which is ridiculous because I'm not liked back, and if I was to be loved by someone, I want it to be someone who desparately wants me to be there, or someone who is willing to give it all up for me.
I don't want babies. I don't want to talk about them. I don't want anything to do with them. Uggh. It's ok, but in my head it feels like you are shoving your baby agenda down my throat. Which is just in my head.
I'm due for some good luck and the tides to turn.
I
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Lack of (insert any word here)
This blog was supposed to exist to keep me accountable. But I have fallen off the band wagon. I cancelled my gym membership today and am attempting to get my money back for some trainging sessions. It's not a small amount by any means. It's a large amount.
I have exactly one week of school left as of today. This time next week, I will be a college graduate! How crazy is that? It is hard to believe really.
I've always wanted to write, and even though I have all of these thoughts and ideas in my head, it seems like I don't have anything interesting to say ever. But it must be interesting to someone else. With a world population of 6.8 billion people, someone else might care a little what I'm going through? It's strange that I think that when I feel so isolated from the people who are my "friends." I frequently wonder what that word even means.
I'm pretty sure that if I had discovered the little piece of magic in the world that I discovered last summer in high school when I was into writing poetry, that shit would have been amazing. Ahhhh-maaaaaa-zing. I thought it would be a really good idea to write right now because I would have interesting thoughts. And disssam that shit really is, but it's sort of boring to write, but the words do just flow right out. Sometimes though it seems to be the wrong word, so I have to go back and delete it. I wonder if I write some truth, is Cassie will see it and blab it to her parentios, and then they will blab it their siblings, and then everybody be up in my business. Fuck that, right. It's my truth, so why hide it from the world. Nah, hide it just that part. There are things that people don't want to know even though they do think that they want to know. But once you know, you certainly can't unknow. Oh, dude, I am like the best spell checker ever and I have super Doogie Howser vision. I think that may be a stupid thought, but hey there it is.
I'm starting to feel angry at Daddy. And I feel like if he walked in right now and was like what is going on, and I told them that he would understand why I feel so angry at him. If he hadn't gotten sick, I wouldn't have had to come home for two months. I wouldn't have had to spend all my money and savings and dip into my school loan money. And then when I came back to work I wouldn't have bad to have been so poor right now. And then I wouldn't have to skip buying groceries because I'm so poor. And I wouldn't have had to stop working out. And I wouldn't be all suicidal depressed. And I wouldn't have to figure out how to pay for this stupid speeding ticket right now.
And I wouldn't have to be angry at mom, and I wouldn't have to use the word fucktard so much. Damn.
This isn't as interesting as I thought it would be, but maybe with some additional practice I will get better at it, and this shit will actually make sense. I also wonder...something, but I forget.
I wonder if bicycling would be fun, but still I have realized that I am afraid to go places that I am unfamiliar with while in such a state, but it's because I'm afraid that I will get lost. So, this is boring now, and I'm going to go do something else. Yeah, thanks.
I have exactly one week of school left as of today. This time next week, I will be a college graduate! How crazy is that? It is hard to believe really.
I've always wanted to write, and even though I have all of these thoughts and ideas in my head, it seems like I don't have anything interesting to say ever. But it must be interesting to someone else. With a world population of 6.8 billion people, someone else might care a little what I'm going through? It's strange that I think that when I feel so isolated from the people who are my "friends." I frequently wonder what that word even means.
I'm pretty sure that if I had discovered the little piece of magic in the world that I discovered last summer in high school when I was into writing poetry, that shit would have been amazing. Ahhhh-maaaaaa-zing. I thought it would be a really good idea to write right now because I would have interesting thoughts. And disssam that shit really is, but it's sort of boring to write, but the words do just flow right out. Sometimes though it seems to be the wrong word, so I have to go back and delete it. I wonder if I write some truth, is Cassie will see it and blab it to her parentios, and then they will blab it their siblings, and then everybody be up in my business. Fuck that, right. It's my truth, so why hide it from the world. Nah, hide it just that part. There are things that people don't want to know even though they do think that they want to know. But once you know, you certainly can't unknow. Oh, dude, I am like the best spell checker ever and I have super Doogie Howser vision. I think that may be a stupid thought, but hey there it is.
I'm starting to feel angry at Daddy. And I feel like if he walked in right now and was like what is going on, and I told them that he would understand why I feel so angry at him. If he hadn't gotten sick, I wouldn't have had to come home for two months. I wouldn't have had to spend all my money and savings and dip into my school loan money. And then when I came back to work I wouldn't have bad to have been so poor right now. And then I wouldn't have to skip buying groceries because I'm so poor. And I wouldn't have had to stop working out. And I wouldn't be all suicidal depressed. And I wouldn't have to figure out how to pay for this stupid speeding ticket right now.
And I wouldn't have to be angry at mom, and I wouldn't have to use the word fucktard so much. Damn.
This isn't as interesting as I thought it would be, but maybe with some additional practice I will get better at it, and this shit will actually make sense. I also wonder...something, but I forget.
I wonder if bicycling would be fun, but still I have realized that I am afraid to go places that I am unfamiliar with while in such a state, but it's because I'm afraid that I will get lost. So, this is boring now, and I'm going to go do something else. Yeah, thanks.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New year, it had better be better
This is the first day of 2012. It had better be better. I'm not sure I could imagine how it could get much worse. This was the first year that I spent new year's by myself. I thought it would be incredibly terrible but it wasn't. Maybe I needed that instead of setting myself up for what feels like failure when I can't seem to get ahead.
Daddy passed away on the 2nd. It's now been a month. I'm still very angry and upset and feeling quite raw about the whole thing. I have things I want to start doing, but mostly it feels better to just stay inside and do nothing or sleep. Sleep is a big one right now. Hygiene is also lacking again. Ugg.
How is this possible? How come my brain doesn't understand what has happened? Why wouldn't Daddy have planned better just in case? I need him so much. Casey needs him so much. What are all of us going to do?
Daddy passed away on the 2nd. It's now been a month. I'm still very angry and upset and feeling quite raw about the whole thing. I have things I want to start doing, but mostly it feels better to just stay inside and do nothing or sleep. Sleep is a big one right now. Hygiene is also lacking again. Ugg.
How is this possible? How come my brain doesn't understand what has happened? Why wouldn't Daddy have planned better just in case? I need him so much. Casey needs him so much. What are all of us going to do?
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