I dont know. I don't really have anything else to say, it's just great to let your thoughts flow out of your brain like a waterfall that is so seasonally delightful and tropical.
And everything is so clean, yet slightly itchy. That's strange. Crying was strange. It didn't last long, but it felt quite nice. But it felt really weird while it was happening, like all surreal and strange and shit. Like I existed outside my body.
I wish these terrible and horrible and awful things on all the people who used to be around. They used to be around me because I am exactly like my mom and push everyone away and am a terrible communicater, or a total over communicator. I just want to be a slave to cheezeburgerz.
Do not resuscitate. DNR. I'll never be able to wipe the memory of my dad weak legged and brain washed by the damage and the drugs. I will always be filled with regret of every choice I made, and they made, and every lost moment.
Oh fuck. I stillz gotz it, but it's changed. Gotta go renew. And stop being on the internet, because it's ruining my life. But I just love the ability to be all super fucking connected and gossipy and all knowing. Fuck. Facebook is like the transcendetal Jesus of Jonathon Livingston Seagull's wet dreams. I don't even know what that means, but I'll put it on facebook. That's cool.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Niece or Nephew
Casey and Laura do not have a baby. I don't really know if they are trying right now, or waiting, but at some point in time in the future, I do think they will and I am so in love with that little baby. Why is it that new life is happy and joyous when we know that there is an end that is miserable and terrible. And it is too. Fucking awful and miserable.
I am do not want a baby. I don't know why anyone would. Stupid preggers and their lording of their feminine whiles and ways and body parts that I chose to notuse and shit.
Dear Baby,
You don't even exist yet, and these people already want you and love you. I even already love you and I hate everything right now. And I really don't want to love you. But I want to see you succeed and grow up and be happy and healthy and smart and wise. I want to spend time with you and know you and be in your life all the time, but at the end of the day, I want to give you back, so that your parents can deal with the hard part. I am the perfect grandma, but the worst mom. We will hate each other. A baby of my own. They would resent me and all my decisions, the same way I feel. They will find some reason to be angry.
Why is it that we are so programmed to reproduce and keep moving along?
Why is it that I am attracted to my so far distance past? If distance doesn't exist between us, I mean didn't exist between us I would probably attempt to have sex with you every night of the week and perhaps accomplish nothing else. Why not?
Oh, using sex and drugs and rock and roll to escape my problems is apparently unhealthy. This is very confusing. Very confusing. All I wanted to do was talk about shit because talking about stuff and thinking about stuff is so great, and at first no one would think about shit with me, but now I am talking to too many people and all the conversations are getting confused inside of the gray matter that is my brain.
Fuck
I am do not want a baby. I don't know why anyone would. Stupid preggers and their lording of their feminine whiles and ways and body parts that I chose to notuse and shit.
Dear Baby,
You don't even exist yet, and these people already want you and love you. I even already love you and I hate everything right now. And I really don't want to love you. But I want to see you succeed and grow up and be happy and healthy and smart and wise. I want to spend time with you and know you and be in your life all the time, but at the end of the day, I want to give you back, so that your parents can deal with the hard part. I am the perfect grandma, but the worst mom. We will hate each other. A baby of my own. They would resent me and all my decisions, the same way I feel. They will find some reason to be angry.
Why is it that we are so programmed to reproduce and keep moving along?
Why is it that I am attracted to my so far distance past? If distance doesn't exist between us, I mean didn't exist between us I would probably attempt to have sex with you every night of the week and perhaps accomplish nothing else. Why not?
Oh, using sex and drugs and rock and roll to escape my problems is apparently unhealthy. This is very confusing. Very confusing. All I wanted to do was talk about shit because talking about stuff and thinking about stuff is so great, and at first no one would think about shit with me, but now I am talking to too many people and all the conversations are getting confused inside of the gray matter that is my brain.
Fuck
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Just Admit It.
You are totally in love with me.
Cause I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo in love with you.
Sigh.
My eyes are fire!!!!!
Cause I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo in love with you.
Sigh.
My eyes are fire!!!!!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Love should be magical.
I started to feel better. I have started to feel better, but any one little blow will set me back. And everything feels like a blow. And everything is controlled by cancer.
Why can't I be happy and social, and just fall in love and be so happy? I'm willing to take all the risks, and break my heart again, and have it be my risk. I meaN THERE must be something that I am not doing that I should be doing that is the magical key to fixing the wrongs that I am making. I'm so sad. I'm so sad that I can't have what I want.
Recognize that it's a bad situation, and just focus on the good. It is just what it is. Temporary and moving. It is a journey. I suppose. But it's hard to see any good, when the bad is so full right now.
I wanted a new dress for graduation. Something beautiful and special and grown up. Then I've also been talking to someone who I like. You know, like like. So that makes me want to buy special pretty undergarmets. Which is ridiculous because I'm not liked back, and if I was to be loved by someone, I want it to be someone who desparately wants me to be there, or someone who is willing to give it all up for me.
I don't want babies. I don't want to talk about them. I don't want anything to do with them. Uggh. It's ok, but in my head it feels like you are shoving your baby agenda down my throat. Which is just in my head.
I'm due for some good luck and the tides to turn.
I
Why can't I be happy and social, and just fall in love and be so happy? I'm willing to take all the risks, and break my heart again, and have it be my risk. I meaN THERE must be something that I am not doing that I should be doing that is the magical key to fixing the wrongs that I am making. I'm so sad. I'm so sad that I can't have what I want.
Recognize that it's a bad situation, and just focus on the good. It is just what it is. Temporary and moving. It is a journey. I suppose. But it's hard to see any good, when the bad is so full right now.
I wanted a new dress for graduation. Something beautiful and special and grown up. Then I've also been talking to someone who I like. You know, like like. So that makes me want to buy special pretty undergarmets. Which is ridiculous because I'm not liked back, and if I was to be loved by someone, I want it to be someone who desparately wants me to be there, or someone who is willing to give it all up for me.
I don't want babies. I don't want to talk about them. I don't want anything to do with them. Uggh. It's ok, but in my head it feels like you are shoving your baby agenda down my throat. Which is just in my head.
I'm due for some good luck and the tides to turn.
I
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