Unhappy

It's hard to muster the courage to do anything when you are so sad, you can't stop crying or get off the world's most uncomfortable couch. 

How am I doing?

I'm fucking drowning and I hate adulthood.  Everyone should just go fuck themselves. 

Happy

Today, and this whole week I am feeling happy.  I have some new and exciting things going on, but I'm not going to spill yet!  You will just have to stay tuned.  This weekend I have to clean my apartment and do some heavy duty shopping in order to get all the proper groceries to get this 10 day diet on track. 

Igor and I boxed today, and my arms were feeling dead, but he said I was hitting well.  Smack Smack.  Pow Pow. 

Most of this week, I've eaten very well.  I feel like I've cut a lot of calories, but I have no idea where I am at weight wise.  I haven't weighed myself in forever. 

Something I am looking forward to: Saturday and a three day weekend of rest and sleeping in!  Yes!
Something else I am possibly looking forward to: scheduling a vacation; possibly a bike tour vacation.  And I am thinking about doing a women's only kayaking weekend trip. 

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system

This weekend, I spent the whole weekend by myself.  Some would find this refreshing, but it's been well established that I find this lonely and terrible.  I was thinking today and I was driving about how I feel angry and upset with someone who is in my life right now on a regular basis.  I have this feeling that they have moved on in a way that I haven't yet.  And it got me to thinking about the way I act towards people, and I realize that I am constantly testing them to see if they measure up to my expectations.  [Expectations: I could write a whole blog with hours and hours and days and days about just that in so many parts of my life.] 

I won't call you to test you to see if you think of me. [You don't.]
I won't say hello to you to test you to see if you notice me. [You didn't.]
I will with hold something I think you want, to see if you want it badly enough. [You never did.]

I think I've been doing this since I was old enough to manipulate.  And let's think about that; that's well before we even have language.  Babies cry because they want something.  Some babies learn that it's nice to be lazy and be picked up and carried all the time, so they cry until you do that.  It's what they want.  They are manipulating you.  [I've seen it.]  More importantly, I think and know that I've been doing this.

I also think I'm even guilty of testing myself.  [Maybe this is why I constantly have an injury in my Achilles.  I'm this close > < to giving up running.]  I don't really know how to grow and move on.  I can eat well all week, and then completely destroy every bit of good that I've done on the weekends with food. 

I'm currently feeling sad, lonely, and frustrated.  Blarg.

Pseudo day one

Well I talked to Igor about the plan, and I think with some revising, we can make this happen.  10 days.  Chicka chicka bow wow.  Also, I asked that if for our stretch he would foam roll my legs because I could feel some crazy tension in them, and I felt sore from yesterday.  Well, it was amazing!!  Let me tell you.  He actually didn't use the foam roller, and instead used his elbows.  It hurt so freaking bad that I started laughing while making an ouch face.  It totally changed the way that I felt though. 

I also tried to run again today, but I felt that little pull in my Achilles, so I just walked.  It's better to listen to my body like that, although it made me crazy angry.  Grrr.

I'm going to go look at road bikes...maybe this is my new sport???

A bit of perspective I heard today.  We all have our different shit, some shit is just worse for others than for yourself, even when it's the same shit. 

Long time no see

I've been sick non stop.  I've also been travelling a lot, so lots of on the go, and not as much working out as normal.  I'm trying to get back into the swing of things.  I'm trying to run more, and build that up so that my ankles are strong.  No more injuries.  I'm trying to eat better too.  I also want to become a better cook.  I'm a terrible cook.  Oh now, baking....hells yes I can bake, but other stuff, blech. 

Igor sent me this meal plan that he wants me to follow for 10 days, but I don't think that is possible.  It has 6 meals in it, and it's sit down stuff that I can't eat during the day while at work and on the go, or foods I don't like (such as nuts, oranges, or kiwis).  It also has a shake in it, but I have no idea what kind of shake to have for it.  I don't know what to do, or how I am supposed to follow it. Now I feel even more stressed out about that.  Actually, it kind of makes me feel like crying because I feel like I've already failed before I even started.  [Today in general was a really stressful day.]  I wanted to start tomorrow and make that day one, but I think I'm going to have to talk to him about it and see what kind of options we have.  Plus there were only two days, and I can't eat the exact same things like that for 10 days.  I will go crazy.

I can comfortably run a 10:30 mile right now.  I plan on building off of that.  I would like to speed that up even more after a while, but more importantly is to get really comfortable at that speed, and then continue to go for longer periods of time.  That's what I want right now out of running. 

That's a general update about me right now.  Life as always, is super busy, and I feel like I'm spinning in a million different directions.  In general I do feel happier, and I hope that sticks.  I don't like bouncing back and forth between highs and lows.

Instead of successes and setbacks, today I want to pick something out that I'm looking forward too.  I'm looking forward to running my best 5k ever this summer.  I'm looking forward to cooking food that ends up tasting delicious.

Buff-date

Buff-date?  It's where getting buff meets having an online update.

This week, I was doing plank push ups with Igor, and I started crying while doing them.  I was getting frustrated because I felt weak, and I was angry because I want to continue to be the child, and not the adult child who has to make decisions.  So we sat for the last part of our session and talked.  Which is probably more of what I needed in that moment. 

On Monday I have a workout with hottie Brandon.  He called me Thursday evening about it and instead of saying "hello" he said, "Are you ready to put your money where your mouth is?"  I was like, umm that depends on who this is!  I just wasn't sure who it was at first!  Oh my.  So hopefully that goes well.

Thursday night I had food poisoning and I laid around all day on Friday and slept and felt awful.  But I feel better now.  I was so dehydrated.  Ugg.  I just can't stay healthy.  It's ridiculous.

I think it's just when I am by myself that I realize how unhappy I am.  Surprisingly, being around people makes me feel better, and keeps me busy enough to not have to think about things.  Ridiculous.  It's been a cold spring so far.  It's hard to gear up.  I think I want to paint my bedroom today, but I feel undecided, so I'm having trouble committing to that idea.  If I'm going to do it, I should do it now.