:(

I am so incredibly unhappy.  Can you mix incredible and unhappy in the same sentence?  Can you use incredible to describe just how unhappy you are?  I am unhappy.  I am failing.   I am miserable.  And the one thing I want more than anything else is attention, and when I have it, I feel fine.  I wouldn't call that feeling of having attention happiness, but I feel like I have enough in that moment to be content for all of like 5 seconds. 

I didn't get up this morning to go to yoga.  I haven't finished my paper yet.  I haven't eaten.  I haven't finished grocery shopping.  I haven't cleaned my apartment or put shit away.  I haven't brushed my hair yet today.  I haven't finalized my plans with my surrogate Grandma.  I'M UNHAPPY, and I'm SCREAMING it to everyone.  But what is anyone supposed to do?  Every once in a while, I have the feeling of fleeting okayness, but it goes away before I can even enjoy it. I'm tired of strife and being alone, and being confused, and even having long hair.  I decided that if my dad does have to have chemo, and if he starts to lose his hair, I will shave my head.  I hope it's long enough to donate in that case.  I think it still might be like an inch or two too short. 

I've been looking and looking for a bike.  But I don't really know what I'm doing, what I'm looking for, and I know I don't want to spend over a certain very inexpensive amount, which is a shame, because apparently the type of bike I am interested in seems to be the cost equivalent of the Rolls Royce of bicycles.  Damn. 

What else is weird about this mood that I am in right now, is that I want attention, but then occasionally when the opportunity for it comes up, I just feel annoyed that I am  not truly getting what I want, and I want everyone to stay away from me.  I feel so angry right now.  And lazy, and upset, and unhappy.  What the hell?  I'm so sick of everyone around me seeming to be the opposite of me.  I'm so sick of everyone.  Including myself.  I need gas for my car.  Uggg.  It's just one thing after another that has to be done.  I'm ready to turn off, tune out, and not do anything.  I don't want any responsibilities.  I don't want anything.  I don't want to be on antidepressants.  I don't want to feel so miserable anymore. 

Headaches and expectations

I am in a pretty terrible mood right now.  I know exactly why, but it isn't something that I want to air on the good old public internet.  It's really no one else's business anyways, and ultimately boils down to me having expectations.  I wish I could just get rid of every expectation that I have for anyone or anything else.  If I could have no expectations, I could stop being so disappointed.  I'm actually very much so in the mood to go for a run to clear my head, but it's cold and rainy out, and I just took my contacts out because I had a terrible headache, and I don't want to put them back in.  I wonder if that is terrible of me?

Tomorrow morning they are doing yoga at the apartment complex, but I don't know what the code is to get in.  I haven't received a newsletter from the complex since I moved in back in January. 

I feel pretty overwhelmed right now.  I feel sad and disappointed.  I want to go and eat birthday cake by myself, but I don't want to go out to get any cake.  I need to go to the grocery store.  Actually, I'm also really craving goodwill, so maybe I will go out.  Gah.  I'm just so sad right now.  I don't want to do anything.  I'm going to Goodwill.  Home sweet home.

I'm Back!

I worked out Monday on my own, and hit that treadmill like it was nobodies business.  Yeah.  90 minutes and like 5 miles later...chicka chicka meow.  Took it easy, and did an 8 minute walk with an incline, and then 2 minutes of running for the entire time.  Then on Tuesday, I had PT with Igor.  I told him not to kill me, but damn am I sore.  Especially my legs and butt.  Ouch. 

Still kind of eating like crap, but trying to get back in the right mindset.  Working out hard helps me feel like actually eating healthy.  Tomorrow's dinner fish and vegetables.  I'm trying to do more raw foods.  I figure I can eat as much of whatever I want of vegetables and fruit.  Raw foods.  Yum.  So, I'm trying to do that more too. 

Today, I went on a short walk with David, but nothing to be called calorie burning.  Yesterday was my birthday.  It's hard to believe that I'm 26 now.  I thought I would be in a much different place.  I also thought I would feel like and adult.  I feel like 26 is old.  I miss being a kid.  I know I'm not old but I certainly don't feel my age.  How strange.  One thing though is that I'm hoping that the second half of my twenties is much better than the first half.  Cause the first half had a lot of suckiness in it.  I'm tired of being in a dark awful place.  I'm ready to feel blissfully content.

Success: being back!  Feeling healthy and feeling like myself again.
Setbacks: Eating like crap.  Really?  Do I even need to say this?  I alwasy eat like crap.  Damn Damn Damn.

I think there are one or two spelling errors, but I don't see it and the spell check won't work?

Recovery can't come quickly enough

I'm supposed to have a personal training session tomorrow, but I think I want to cancel it.  I asked for some advice about that from Igor, but I haven't heard back from him yet.  I don't really want to go.  I just feel so icky right now.  But I'm getting much better.  I'm on the way. 

I'm hoping to have some fun this weekend.  I also need to get back to a normal eating routine.  I have been eating crap nonstop lately.  I'm thinking about going on a raw foods diet for the weekend.  I can eat whatever the hell I want as long as it's all natural and not processed.  Think vegetables and fruits only as well as liquids.  I get pretty cranky without protein though, so protein shakes don't count.

Also, I want to tell you how much Keri Hilson is my new favorite dirty sexy icon.  I can't get enough of the Pretty Girl Rock song.  It might need to be my new running jam.  And if I download a new song from itunes, you know I must really like it.  I also just listened to/watched Return the Favor on Vevo.  Daaaang girl.  Hot.  She's got some awesome legs.  I'll say it. 

I don't even want to tell my setbacks for the past 24 hours because it's so bad.  But my eating has been crap, and I haven't been feeling good, so during the day yesterday, I really didn't eat anything all day long (which is so not like me at all, I snack all day long), and then on the way home picked up a pizza.  Well, I didn't eat the whole thing, but I did eat enough to make myself sick to my stomach.  Ugggg.  Why must I love pizza so much?  I kinda did something similar today.  I didn't eat anything all day, and had dinner with Junior, and kind of binged.  Blech.  Raw foods diet it is!  Well, I'll give myself 24 hours to decide if that's what I really want to do.

False alarm

So I went to work today, but when I woke up, I felt kind of off, and had something going on with my throat.  I went to the doctor's after work, and she said that the negative result of the strep test could have been a false reading, but that wasn't good enough for me.  So I went to the immediate care center, he looked in my mouth and said strep!  No test even.  So he wrote me a prescription and I'm missing work again tomorrow.  I hope that it's just one day that I have to miss.  I cancelled my workout for tomorrow, and I knew this morning that I wouldn't feel that good, so I had already planned on not going today.  Sigh.  I am close to giving up. 

Homework time.

Influenza free

Well, this coming week marks my comeback to the world of fitness.  Ha!  It's been two weeks now, and I do finally feel good enough to come back.  I'm also hoping that the two weeks of doing nothing, plus the time I put in before that of taking it easy on the running will have really made a difference and that my achilles tendon is stronger now and I can start by building up my mileage all over again.

I wish I could take the lesson of cutting out running, and then building up my mileage again and again and apply it to the rest of my life.  It's like this one aspect of running doesn't really stress me out.  It does make me think about things that I want and how to get them, but it's not always this huge disappointment.  It's just what I do to get to where I want.  Well what do I do outside of the gym to get to where I want?  And where do I even want to get?  I don't know.  Expectations are always paths for disappointment for me.  So I'm trying to cut back my expectations.  Maybe then I won't be so disappointed.  I hope so.  I'm so tired of being disappointed with things.

Today's success: Ready to hit the weights again.  Ready to hit the ground running again.  Goodbye tired feelings.  Feeling happier.  Spring is here.
General setbacks for the past two weeks:  The first week and a half of being sick, I really didn't eat much.  Soup, crackers, and toast only.  Then the last part of the second week all I've eaten is junk food.  All I want is sugar and chicken.  And I swear if one more person asks me if I'm pregnant, I'm gonna slap them.  I am not pregnant.  That is not why I was sick.  Get your head out of your ass!