So I was just thinking about this and had to write it out. What am I doing with my life? Maybe I should break it down into more cohesive and acceptable thoughts; so what am I doing with my life today? A better example, will actually be tomorrow. What am I doing with my life on Monday? Well, I'm getting up, I'm going to fight through the fact that I don't feel good, and am slightly sickish, and that I am sad and unhappy, and I am going to go to work. Then I am going to go work out (probably). Then, I am going home, and because it's a Monday, finish my school work for this week, and then I'm going to laze about until bed time. Which ends up being like an hour or two of lazing about time. Not enough. Then I will go to bed and do it all over again. The same exact thing. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? I allow myself to drown in work, I torture myself for not being enough of what I want to be at the gym, I come home and feel sad that I am alone....again. Failing. Why? What is the end goal?
For a goal oriented person who needs tangible outcomes to work towards, I certainly have lost all of mine. I've lost something I didn't appreciate until it was gone, and now I can not get it back. I found out today, that I can not have it back. It is done.
I was asked last night, why am I here? Why do I stay in this area? Why am I living here? What am I working towards? Yeah, I might be working towards a degree, and working to pay the bills, but those are so big, it's really hard to keep a firm grasp on those ideas that don't necessarily lead you anywhere. I'm living to work. I should be working to live. I'm hiding in the one thing that is supposed to make me feel better.
Dear first half of my twenties,
You really sucked. You let me down and made me feel like crap quite often. You have created a disappointment in me so deep that I am drowning.
I'm really trying to look forward to the second half of my twenties, but I have fear. Fear that I will be let down. Fear that my dreams that I have already had to push back time and time again, will get pushed back to the point that they aren't attainable anymore. Fear of failure. Fear of more aloneness. Fear of disappointing you even more. Fear of pushing everyone away to be alone, which I already hate.
What am I doing? I can't even break it down daily to make it feel better. I might not be a loser, but I'm certainly no winner.
Courtney I heart you. I love how open and honest you are. Most people would rather go through the drudge than ask these hard questions. Catherine and I are formulating a plan to help direct your future so get excited ;)
ReplyDeleteI am so psyched that I get to see you in 2 weeks. I miss you so much. You are certainly a winner in my book. much love
Oh Courtney you do ask the hard questions. I believe the secret to finding the answer to these questions is realizing there isn't just one right answer. Whenever I feel as though things are unraveling I get out my Micheal Neill MP3s. His advise is no nonsense and his voice has a relaxing quality to it. No one said we have to make this journey alone. Every journey is just one step at a time.
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