We got into again, and I went batshit crazy and I pushed him. I mean I physically pushed him. And then he pushed me back, and I slipped and fell down. I did hurt my collarbone. It was sore for a few days, but it passed. Nothing seriously fortunately. But he told me to get out, and I'm working on it. I probably should have left immediately considering the circumstances, but here I still am.
Whatfuckingever I guess.
Does this make me a battered woman? Possibly.
So having a very very short time frame to work with, I'm trying to make the best decision I can. Also not having or making a lot of money is concerning. A concern? Both. So what does this mean? It currently means I am looking at trailers. I would be actual trailer trash. It's funny and strange that I would label myself that and think that of myself, because the other people that I have known who have lived in trailers, I did not have that opinion of by any means. I mean, when Gramma lived in Texas, she lived in a trailer, in a park. However there was one significant difference. It was a seniors only community, and these people had magnificent homes. Immaculate lawns/lots. People who cared about their units and took care of them, and were long term tenants. Ahhhh....that's it. That's the difference. If only I could live in the 55+ community. Shit can I get an older ID? Who does that? Crazy people like me I guess.
Grrr I'm just feeling so frustrated. Frustrated in life and .... well that's it really. I am life frustrated. I am life disappointed. I am life sad. I am life failure. I am a little leeeetle bit out of it. Hahahah. Whatfuckingever.
I guess I always thought that I would amount to more. That's what is truly disappointing for me. I thought there was the potential for more. I always wanted to avoid the "plan" that so many took. The "path" that was prescribed by our standings, backgrounds, incomes, families. I just never thought that if I deviated from the plan, that I wouldn't be able to get back onto it at some point in time. Shit. That is like the most genius fucking thought. That's it. That is what is the disturbance. I always thought that I would be able to get back onto the path, and now the path is so different from what I ever expected and from what I ever thought would be possible, that I don't have the slightest idea of how to get back to a place that is moving forward to an end goal that I want.
Ohh! Brain idea! What if it doesn't matter what the path is? What if the end goal is always the same thing? What if the end goal is just to be happy? Just to explore life and experience shit and be? Hahahaha. Well it can't be that because I don't like just being. I like having a plan and being able to create a way to move forward. Why are there no white people?
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