journal prompt 50 things

50 things that make me feel good.

1. cats
2. pizza
3. the smell of soapy soap
4. not wearing underwear
5. watching tv
6. going to the movies
7. buying things
8. receiving mail
9. having penpals
10. baking delicious treats
11. creating cards to mail
12. the smell of books
13. the way chicken tastes
14. finding new ideas on pinterest
15. snuggling with my cats and hearing them purr at bedtime
16. see the sunrise
17. the feeling of clean shaved legs against cold sheets when you first get in
18. getting pictures messages
19. washing my hair after it has been cut short after being long for a long time
20. thrift stores
21. going swimming in your clothes
22. laughing with your friends
23. that feeling of being in the right place at the right time.
24. going to the library
25. grocery shopping at night time when there are no customers in the store
26. shopping when there are no children in the store
27. talking to my brother
28. learning how to cook something and it tastes delicious the first time you make it
29. the smell of sunscreen
30. really smart dogs who know lots of tricks
31. walking dogs
32. the first warm sunny day after lots of cold overcast days and the way the sun feels so good on your skin
33. feeling strong and muscley
34. running to have a clear headed mind
35. when people give me compliments on a job well done unprompted.  especially strangers
36. when a stranger tells you they like your hair
37. going on vacation
38. the feeling of cold waves on your toes when you stand on the beach in the sand
39. getting really big boogers out as one really big booger.  [accomplished]
40. that song pompeii by bastille.  it makes me feel hopeful
41. thai glass noodles with egg and chicken
42. wearing my glasses, especially after having worn my glasses
43. putting worms back in the grass from the asphalt after it rains
44. the first time you kiss someone and that feeling of excitement and lust
45. having someone else brush my hair
46. well groomed beards on fellows
47. eating cookie dough
48. being considered the record keeper of all things of old times
49. the way things looked through a camera lens and how it always felt right to be behind the camera
50. learning new things about dogs that I remember and then being able to talk to people about that, and feeling smart and knowing.
51. not having my period
52. buying stationery that is strange, unexpected and special
53. hosting things for people who will appreciate them
54. staying up late at sleepovers
55. texting
56. flip flops
57. reusable shopping bags
58. the way airmail stationery and things look
59. reading and the moment that you escape into what you are reading, but you don't realize that it has happened.  It just happened.
60. the feeling of relief after you have to pee really badly
61. feeling sore after working out really hard
62. cookies, sweets, chocolate, doughnuts, cake, ice cream, cookie dough
63. roll top desks that are pretty
64. library shelves with rolling ladders
65. card catalogs
66. cheeseburgers with only ketchup and mustard
67. the color pink
68. having clear normal skin
69. not having a fat face/being skinny
70. when Trouvez gets scared and turns all poofy
71. when Eleanor meows and it feels like I'm having a conversation with her.
72. the way black clothes are always in style and always go with everything
73. peas with butter on them
74. stuffed chicken
75. gels pens that write really smoothly and don't smear

Endings and Beginnings

We got into again, and I went batshit crazy and I pushed him.  I mean I physically pushed him.  And then he pushed me back, and I slipped and fell down.  I did hurt my collarbone.  It was sore for a few days, but it passed.  Nothing seriously fortunately.  But he told me to get out, and I'm working on it.  I probably should have left immediately considering the circumstances, but here I still am. 

Whatfuckingever I guess. 

Does this make me a battered woman?  Possibly.

So having a very very short time frame to work with, I'm trying to make the best decision I can.  Also not having or making a lot of money is concerning.  A concern?  Both.  So what does this mean?  It currently means I am looking at trailers.  I would be actual trailer trash.  It's funny and strange that I would label myself that and think that of myself, because the other people that I have known who have lived in trailers, I did not have that opinion of by any means.  I mean, when Gramma lived in Texas, she lived in a trailer, in a park.  However there was one significant difference.  It was a seniors only community, and these people had magnificent homes.  Immaculate lawns/lots.  People who cared about their units and took care of them, and were long term tenants.  Ahhhh....that's it.  That's the difference.  If only I could live in the 55+ community.  Shit can I get an older ID?  Who does that?  Crazy people like me I guess. 

Grrr I'm just feeling so frustrated.  Frustrated in life and .... well that's it really.  I am life frustrated.  I am life disappointed.  I am life sad.  I am life failure.  I am a little leeeetle bit out of it.  Hahahah.  Whatfuckingever. 

I guess I always thought that I would amount to more.  That's what is truly disappointing for me.  I thought there was the potential for more.  I always wanted to avoid the "plan" that so many took.  The "path" that was prescribed by our standings, backgrounds, incomes, families.  I just never thought that if I deviated from the plan, that I wouldn't be able to get back onto it at some point in time.  Shit.  That is like the most genius fucking thought.  That's it.  That is what is the disturbance.  I always thought that I would be able to get back onto the path, and now the path is so different from what I ever expected and from what I ever thought would be possible, that I don't have the slightest idea of how to get back to a place that is moving forward to an end goal that I want.

Ohh!  Brain idea!  What if it doesn't matter what the path is?  What if the end goal is always the same thing?  What if the end goal is just to be happy?  Just to explore life and experience shit and be?  Hahahaha.  Well it can't be that because I don't like just being.  I like having a plan and being able to create a way to move forward.  Why are there no white people?