Story

I have been avoiding writing in my blog because someone said something that I had deemed inappropriate to say about it regarding my own thoughts and ideas.  Regardless of what you think, this is my blog and I  am allowed to write what I want in it.  So I ended up punishing myself and not doing something that I like specifically because of someone else's opinion. 

But I've been thinking a lot about story.  It's inspired by an audio book I have been "reading" by Donald Miller.  I am a terrible character in my own story.  I am the antagonist in my own story.  How awful.  More on story later....  More pressing thoughts are weighing me down right now.


Dear Blank,

I think about you every day.  I even miss you every day.  I wonder what you are doing and how you are doing in a new place that almost doesn't even exist to me because I've never been there or heard of it.  Is that even possible?  It's like the flatness of the land beyond what I can see, so it must just stop existing. 

I haven't seen you in...jeez 2 years next month, which is crazy to think about.  I haven't talked to you in maybe a year and a half, but it feels more like a lifetime.  I had to stop talking to you because I felt so hurt by you, but I still hurt without talking to you.  I don't know what telling you these thoughts would mean.  I don't know what you think about me anymore.  I've heard what you thought about me in the past.  That hurt too.  Of course I'm much too sensitive and much too weird for most people now.  That probably includes you too.

When time passes, we are supposed to heal, but you are like this wound that never heals.  Actually I think I may miss you more now than I did when you left.  But I still felt like you were my friend then.  You miss your distant friends differently than you miss your friends that you have lost.  You have turned into a friend lost.  It does still make me cry.  It does still make me hurt.

All I remember are the good things about you.  That's all we really want to remember about people anyways.  Part of me feels like you are the only good thing that ever happened to me.  Part of me believes that I should be with you because my parents liked you and approved of you, and I don't have my dad here to approve anyone anymore.  So why should I keep looking?  Sometimes I feel as if I am more broken from losing you than I am from losing my dad, and that was very very hard on me.  Right next to impossible to do. 

It is strange that I don't feel like I am getting any better as time goes on.  I've only ever felt like the best version of me when I was with you.  Now I feel lost, and I just keep wandering aimlessly.  It's miserable.  I just want to be near you again. 

I'm so sorry.