Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Still?

Someone asked me how I was today.  I hadn't seen them in a while, and quite frankly, I feel terrible lately.  I am physically exhausted, mentally bored but overwhelmed and continuously sad.  When I gave my usual answer that is the one that makes people the least uncomfortable (the slight stink face combined with the half lopsided shrug) he responded with a look of astonishment and the question, "Still?" 

I was offended, defeated and completely deflated in that one syllable nightmare of a word.  Could the undertones have said more to me in that moment?  You can't just turn off that feeling with antidepressants or drugs and be happy again?  You aren't immediately fulfilled even though I'm telling you how busy and great it is going at work without you?  You still feel sad? 

I want to be happy again.  I want to laugh and have girl friends and go on adventures and outings and dates and take pictures and have fun memories again.  I miss that.  There are moments that happen that are good here in Illinois, but not enough to make the sad go away.  Not enough to turn the hurt off. 

How can I still be sad?  Because I can't stop picturing the beeps and blips on Dad's monitor moments before he had a heart attack and Casey and I had to make a decision to have the hospital staff revive him.  But his body was still lifeless and unresponsive.  His small arm with its thick layer of stiff curly hairs fell off the bed lifelessly.  I sobbed uncontrollably.  Mom was gone.  When she came back and the family came in, and the decision had been made to take the breathing tube...the life support out, we stood and waited not knowing how long it would take.  We watched him take smaller and shallower breaths and with each one I wondered if this is the moment?  Oh thank god, another one!  Is this the one?  I spent so much time wondering, I don't remember it.  Mom never looked at me.  She didn't touch me or hug me or say anything.  It was like I didn't exist. 

When we took her home, I undressed her as is she was a child and put her in bed and wandered around downstairs in my brothers house.  This is it?  It's over now?  I don't feel anything anymore.  I just felt numb.  Maybe I still am numb?  I still am? 


...


I think that writing these things will make me feel better and have some kind of catharsis to the many changes that have happened.  The things that have stolen my little dreams, the standard things that every girl should have.  I should have just stayed in school in the first place so he could have seen me.  I don't know how he could have fulfilled my other little dream or how I could have made different choices that would have even made it possible.  I guess that's on me.  It's guilt that sits on my shoulders that I regret. 

I just want to be happy again.

I hope changes are on the horizon.

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