i cant say it anywhere else safely or openly, but i just dont want to be here anymore.  the only thing that keeps me from killing myself is my cats.  how sad and fucked up is that/ no one to take them or care for them right when im gone, so here i stay.  but id much rather be dead.

driving away

I miss my dad so much.  Everything hurts and everything feels broken.  It just feels like I can call him anytime I want like I used to, and he will answer.  I call and wait for his voice, but it will never pick up again.  How am I supposed to do anything.  How am I not supposed to hurt when he wasn't at my graduation, and he didn't see me walk across the stage, and he wasn't here for my birthday? 

I don't believe in anything.  I don't feel him out there.  There's no such thing as  him watching over me or protecting me.  I don't believe that.  And if anyone tries to tell me that I'm wrong, and I just need to believe a little harder, they are fucking blind.  I believed really hard and that didn't save him or myself. 

I am broken and falling in on myself.  I am lost.

He will never walk me down the aisle (although I have tossed that dream because none of my dreams come true).  That one really hurts.  I just want my dad.  It's not fair.  It's not fair that I watched him disappear.  It's not fair that I am still alone after all this time.  It's not fucking fair.  I'm pissed.  I'm sad.  I'm angry.  I'm resentful.  I'm hateful.  Aren't those all just really the same things anyways? 

I watch shitty tv to distract me and I spend time by myself because people don't know what to do with me.  They don't know what to say to me or how to "handle" me.  Fuck you.  Yes, because doing nothing is obviously better than trying anything; fucking idiots. 

Happiness isn't a choice that I am capable of.  It isn't possible right now.  Anyone who says it is, is blind and stupid. 

I eat and sleep and pretend that none of this exists.  If she did it, I wouldn't be angry anymore.  I don't want to be here either.  This place is too painful.  The bad times are supposed to make me more appreciative of the good times?  There are no more good times.  Those times are over. 

This is fucking bullshit.  I know I can't just sit and not do anything now.  I have to keep moving.  But I don't know where my next move is.  I hate everything about myself and what I am doing right now.  But there is nothing else available to go towards. 

This past year has been agonizing and I really hate the fall.  I hate everyone and everything right now.  This is fucking bullshit.

Realizations

I think I finally have it figured out and I'm not high to forget it or high to think it's funny or high to change the subject. 

How can I respect her, when all I have ever seen her do is make shitty decisions. 

Dad is dying in the hospital and I can't change anything, and I am going to not listen to your advice and I am going to go against everything that everyone is saying, and I am going to move back home and we are going to do it tonight.  Even though that means that if anything happens, we will be an hour away from all medical treatments and we will have to have transportation come to us, which will take x amount of time if there is an emergency.  Amazing decision. 

I am going to never listen to anything you have to say and I am going to try to force you to be just like me.  I am a stupid fucking bitch who can't communicate, who bottles up their feelings and won't even tell you when I am hungry or that I want things. 

I have to be the host?  Fuck you.  The only reason you are here is because I was going to be incapacitated to the point that I was unable to drive.  I didn't even ask you to come here.  You just volunteered.  That does not make me a host.  I am not hosting you.  You are my family.  Get the fuck over yourself.

I hate you.  I have always hated you, and for that matter, it should have been you.  We could all get along just fine without you, but we can't without him.

How can I possibly respect you when I think you are stupid?  Awesome.  FML

PS

I don't think any of these posts have ever been happy, have they?

Realizations

I am insecure and unhappy.  And not only has grief been plaguing me since David and I broke up, or since I found out at best, I would only have 18 months left with me dad, which was a far cry from the truth.  It has been plaguing me beyond the point where he disappeared and the disease took over.  It has been plaguing me since before I watched him take his last place in a cold sterile place, that was the best we could do. 

The first times I can remember being self-conscious and feeling embarrassed about myself, I was in 3rd or fourth grade.  I have been grieving because of my whole life.

Looking back, I felt, no better yet, I feel that I remember middle school and high school fondly.  I hate that I am the 27 year old who can't stop reminiscing about childhood and high school.  It was safe.  I always knew that it was even while I was in it.  No one else understood.  So high school was good, and then the grief took over.

Was I not emotionally prepared for the world?  That's what it seems to be the more I think and think and think about it.  We were forced to pick and apply to colleges.  I don't like being forced to choose anything.  But I finally chose something that I loved.  That I knew I loved and that I knew I was good at it.  That's what we are supposed to do isn't it?  Follow our American Dreams?

So I apply to college and get it!!  But I can't go because it is too far away and too expensive.
I grieve the loss of my dream school.
I grieve the loss of my dream profession. 
I am forced to go to community college.  I hate it on principle alone, and feel stupid.
I grieve the loss of my best friends who go to "normal" college and seem to love it and make new friends.
I make no new friends.
Our friendships begin to fail.  The girls I thought would always be in my life. 
They have left me and moved on for new friends.  I still don't understand why we don't grow together. 
Because my parents met when they were little and stayed together their whole lives, this is what I expect of my own relationships.  The first boyfriend I have, I blow it for being a lemming.  The second boyfriend I have tells me upfront that he is a bad person.  He pushes my boundaries.   I let him.
I grieve the loss of partner's dreams.  I am incomplete without a partner.  I hate admitting it, thinking it, feeling it, or believing it. 
My friends experience grief I can't understand, and I lose them even more with a deeper divide. 
I drop out of school.  I grieve the loss of my confidence.
I move out in a terrible fight with my mom.  I grieve the loss of my family and my childhood. 

Teenage life was easy and irresponsible, and all I was, was a goody goody.  I blew it.  I should have been crazy and wild.  Instead I was a prude and embarrassed, but happy.  And now I'm a racist.  Stupid job. 

I'm still in love with David.  I know that.  Otherwise I wouldn't hurt over him so much and I wouldn't think about it so much.  He broke my heart though.  In a way that I didn't think was even available to him, but it was more available than ever before.  I miss his calmness and his intelligence.  I miss the way he cared about me.  I don't want to though.  I want to be over him.  Then I meet Mike and even though I do like him, I'm already to broken to be normal.

I spend all this time trying to protect myself and keep myself safe from being hurt by people.  I keep them away as much as possible and hope that they keep wanting me.  Then when I finally feel like I'm ready to let them in, I have been to mean to them and they don't want me anymore.

I'm crying now.  I'm so hurt.  I think that maybe I've always been this messed up.  I just didn't realize it.  I do hate everyone.  I have done this.  I have been mean and I have pushed them away and I have been untrustworthy and untrusting.  I have put myself here.  I want the girl fantasy to be rescue and desired and wanted.  But no one wants a girl like me who is self conscious and sad and broken.  And I'm so sad and broken and alone, that I don't want to be optimistic or nice to people. 

i feel very bad and sad and guikty. i am a bad person and have been a bad person.

sometimes we give up all our dreams.