wants v realities

I want to be thankful for the things that have happened to me that have made me who I am, but I hate those things, and I hate who I am right now. 

depressed

I am so depressed I can barely function.  I got to leave work early on Friday, not that it really helps with me cutting any hours, as I still go into overtime every week it seems, but I came home around 2 and it had been a long terrible day.  It had been a long terrible week, and I feel asleep and proceeded to stay inside all weekend.  I went out Sunday night for fast food after dark.  I was gone for maybe 15 minutes.  What is there to go out to?  I am so depressed it hurts to move or think or do anything.  I cry constantly and over everything.  Anything sets me off and I am like an alcoholic falling off the band wagon and in full fledged all out depression.  I can't do this.  I can't succeed.  I can't live without my dad.  My mom barely talks to me.  I can barely stand her.  How am I supposed to take care of her when I can barely do it for myself? 

It's stopped being so confusing that he's gone now.  It just is. He just isn't anymore.  But I still am, and I am still miserable. 

What's the point of writing this down?

I'm not suicidal depressed, but I am apathetic depressed, which in some ways feels worse that when I was suicidal.

I deleted David today.  I fucking hate him.  I hate that he is happy.  I hate that I am sad.  I hate that he is succeeding at our plan without me.  I hate that my gut tells me he will end up with her, and I will get more cats.  I hate that I feel unworthy of anyone.  Even shitty stupid David who doesn't know how to work his own weiner.  How's that for mean and vindictive?

FUCK.

sneezes

I dont know.  I don't really have anything else to say, it's just great to let your thoughts flow out of your brain like a waterfall that is so seasonally delightful and tropical. 

And everything is so clean, yet slightly itchy.  That's strange.  Crying was strange.  It didn't last long, but it felt quite nice.  But it felt really weird while it was happening, like all surreal and strange and shit.  Like I existed outside my body. 

I wish these terrible and horrible and awful things on all the people who used to be around.  They used to be around me because I am exactly like my mom and push everyone away and am a terrible communicater, or a total over communicator.  I just want to be a slave to cheezeburgerz.  

Do not resuscitate.  DNR.  I'll never be able to wipe the memory of my dad weak legged and brain washed by the damage and the drugs.  I will always be filled with regret of every choice I made, and they made, and every lost moment. 

Oh fuck.  I stillz gotz it, but it's changed.  Gotta go renew.  And stop being on the internet, because it's ruining my life.  But I just love the ability to be all super fucking connected and gossipy and all knowing.  Fuck.  Facebook is like the transcendetal Jesus of Jonathon Livingston Seagull's wet dreams.  I don't even know what that means, but I'll put it on facebook.  That's cool. 

Niece or Nephew

Casey and Laura do not have a baby.  I don't really know if they are trying right now, or waiting, but at some point in time in the future, I do think they will and I am so in love with that little baby.  Why is it that new life is  happy and joyous when we know that there is an end that is miserable and terrible.  And it is too.  Fucking awful and miserable. 

I am do not want a baby.  I don't know why anyone would.  Stupid preggers and their lording of their feminine whiles and ways and body parts that I chose to notuse and shit. 

Dear Baby,

You don't even exist yet, and these people already want you and love you.  I even already love you and I hate everything right now.  And I really don't want to love you.  But I want to see you succeed and grow up and be happy and healthy and smart and wise.  I want to spend time with you and know you and be in your life all the time, but at the end of the day, I want to give you back, so that your parents can deal with the hard part.  I am the perfect grandma, but the worst mom.  We will hate each other.  A baby of my own.  They would resent me and all my decisions, the same way I feel.  They will find some reason to be angry.

Why is it that we are so programmed to reproduce and keep moving along?

Why is it that I am attracted to my so far distance past?  If distance doesn't exist between us, I mean didn't exist between us I would probably attempt to have sex with you every night of the week and perhaps accomplish nothing else.  Why not? 

Oh, using sex and drugs and rock and roll to escape my problems is apparently unhealthy.  This is very confusing.  Very confusing.  All I wanted to do was talk about shit because talking about stuff and thinking about stuff is so great, and at first no one would think about shit with me, but now I am talking to too many people and all the conversations are getting confused inside of the gray matter that is my brain.

Fuck

Just Admit It.

You are totally in love with me.

Cause I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo in love with you. 

Sigh.

My eyes are fire!!!!!

Love should be magical.

I started to feel better.  I have started to feel better, but any one little blow will set me back.  And everything feels like a blow.  And everything is controlled by cancer.

Why can't I be happy and social, and just fall in love and be so happy?  I'm willing to take all the risks, and break my heart again, and have it be my risk.  I meaN THERE must be something that I am not doing that I should be doing that is the magical key to fixing the wrongs that I am making.  I'm so sad.  I'm so sad that I can't have what I want. 

Recognize that it's a bad situation, and just focus on the good.  It is just what it is.  Temporary and moving.  It is a journey.  I suppose.  But it's hard to see any good, when the bad is so full right now.

I wanted a new dress for graduation.  Something beautiful and special and grown up.  Then I've also been talking to someone who I like.  You know, like like.  So that makes me want to buy special pretty undergarmets.  Which is ridiculous because I'm not liked back, and if I was to be loved by someone, I want it to be someone who desparately wants me to be there, or someone who is willing to give it all up for me.

I don't want babies.  I don't want to talk about them.  I don't want anything to do with them.  Uggh.  It's ok, but in my head it feels like you are shoving your baby agenda down my throat.  Which is just in my head. 

I'm due for some good luck and the tides to turn. 

I

Lack of (insert any word here)

This blog was supposed to exist to keep me accountable.  But I have fallen off the band wagon.  I cancelled my gym membership today and am attempting to get my money back for some trainging sessions.  It's not a small amount by any means.  It's a large amount. 

I have exactly one week of school left as of today.  This time next week, I will be a college graduate!  How crazy is that?  It is hard to believe really. 

I've always wanted to write, and even though I have all of these thoughts and ideas in my head, it seems like I don't have anything interesting to say ever.  But it must be interesting to someone else.  With a world population of 6.8 billion people, someone else might care a little what I'm going through?  It's strange that I think that when I feel so isolated from the people who are my "friends."  I frequently wonder what that word even means.

I'm pretty sure that if I had discovered the little piece of magic in the world that I discovered last summer in high school when I was into writing poetry, that shit would have been amazing. Ahhhh-maaaaaa-zing.  I thought it would  be a really good idea to write right now because I would have interesting thoughts.  And disssam that shit really is, but it's sort of boring to write, but the words do just flow right out.  Sometimes though it seems to be the wrong word, so I have to go back and delete it.  I wonder if I write some truth, is Cassie will see it and blab it to her parentios, and then they will blab it their siblings, and then everybody be up in my business.  Fuck that, right.  It's my truth, so why hide it from the world.  Nah, hide it just that part.  There are things that people don't want to know even though they do think that they want to know.  But once you know, you certainly can't unknow.  Oh, dude, I am like the best spell checker ever and I have super Doogie Howser vision.  I think that may be a stupid thought, but hey there it is. 

I'm starting to feel angry at Daddy.  And I feel like if he walked in right now and was like what is going on, and I told them that he would understand why I feel so angry at him.  If he hadn't gotten sick, I wouldn't have had to come home for two months.  I wouldn't have had to spend all my money and savings and dip into my school loan money.  And then when I came back to work I wouldn't have bad to have been so poor right now.  And then I wouldn't have to skip buying groceries because I'm so poor.  And I wouldn't have had to stop working out.  And I wouldn't be all suicidal depressed.  And I wouldn't have to figure out how to pay for this stupid speeding ticket right now.

And I wouldn't have to be angry at mom, and I wouldn't have to use the word fucktard so much.  Damn.

This isn't as interesting as I thought it would be, but maybe with some additional practice I will get better at it, and this shit will actually make sense.  I also wonder...something, but I forget.

I wonder if bicycling would be fun, but still I have realized that I am afraid to go places that I am unfamiliar with while in such a state, but it's because I'm afraid that I will get lost.  So, this is boring now, and I'm going to go do something else.  Yeah, thanks.