2 + 2 does not always equal 4

It is like there is this switch inside of me that makes me all in or all out.  Completely overworked and committed or not present and interested. 

I've been thinking about all of these things lately, and I am in a dark and terrible place right now.  The only thing that I like right now is exercising.  I do like the kitties, but they are not bringing me joy or peace right now because I feel so sad that I can't give them the love they need and want.  It's one thing to talk about it, but I'm still stuck feeling like no one understands.  And I am angry.  Angry beyond belief at everyone and everything, and all of that is boiling over and very negatively affecting me and my behavior at work. 

I don't know what else to say about it.  I'm tired and I need to go to sleep now.  Sigh.

Shit I love

I was thinking about this on the way home, and it's kind of ridiculous, but I love some things that make me laugh when I think about them individually, and when I think about them together. 

• robots
• dinosaurs
• robot dinosaurs
• pop music
• dancing with the white man overbite (or underbite)
• black nailpolish
• hot pink nailpolish
• the E channel

I don't know why I thought it was so funny, but it made me laugh. 

food is the devil

I don't really have anything new to report.  I'm still floundering and struggling, and perhaps worse than before.  What more is there to say?

new month...new something or other

My neck is so messed up, and I have a pretty sweet knot worked up in my back.  I was all delirious this afternoon and turned my head normally to the right and it totally spazzed out.  I think tomorrow I'm actually going to go and treat myself to a massage.  I'm all stressed out from work and life and everything. 

I cried on the way home today.  Sad things happening and occurring right now.  Who cares.  I'm currently doing a sea salt soak on it.

I think the reason why I like personal training so much is because I get to talk to someone.  I get to be gross and sweaty and not think and be told what to do for an hour.  And then at the end we stretch, and physical contact is something we all long for.  It's not sexual or inappropriate, but it's nice to have some contact with people. 

I'm completely exhausted.  Only one more day.  I should get to leave early tomorrow from work.  I hope that actually happens.  Thank goodness for a short week.  This is probably the most boring post I've ever written.  I'm sad, and sort of trying to be optimistic, but it isn't really working. 

An important lesson I have been told recently, and forgotten, and then reminded of is that I have to learn how to let things go.  I have to learn how to let inappropriate stuff roll off of me, and how to let go of that which I find hurtful or inappropriate.  It's hard for me.  Everything sticks and is painful.  I know this lesson, but I don't know how to enforce it at all.

Sleepy now.

Unhappy

It's hard to muster the courage to do anything when you are so sad, you can't stop crying or get off the world's most uncomfortable couch. 

How am I doing?

I'm fucking drowning and I hate adulthood.  Everyone should just go fuck themselves. 

Happy

Today, and this whole week I am feeling happy.  I have some new and exciting things going on, but I'm not going to spill yet!  You will just have to stay tuned.  This weekend I have to clean my apartment and do some heavy duty shopping in order to get all the proper groceries to get this 10 day diet on track. 

Igor and I boxed today, and my arms were feeling dead, but he said I was hitting well.  Smack Smack.  Pow Pow. 

Most of this week, I've eaten very well.  I feel like I've cut a lot of calories, but I have no idea where I am at weight wise.  I haven't weighed myself in forever. 

Something I am looking forward to: Saturday and a three day weekend of rest and sleeping in!  Yes!
Something else I am possibly looking forward to: scheduling a vacation; possibly a bike tour vacation.  And I am thinking about doing a women's only kayaking weekend trip. 

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system

This weekend, I spent the whole weekend by myself.  Some would find this refreshing, but it's been well established that I find this lonely and terrible.  I was thinking today and I was driving about how I feel angry and upset with someone who is in my life right now on a regular basis.  I have this feeling that they have moved on in a way that I haven't yet.  And it got me to thinking about the way I act towards people, and I realize that I am constantly testing them to see if they measure up to my expectations.  [Expectations: I could write a whole blog with hours and hours and days and days about just that in so many parts of my life.] 

I won't call you to test you to see if you think of me. [You don't.]
I won't say hello to you to test you to see if you notice me. [You didn't.]
I will with hold something I think you want, to see if you want it badly enough. [You never did.]

I think I've been doing this since I was old enough to manipulate.  And let's think about that; that's well before we even have language.  Babies cry because they want something.  Some babies learn that it's nice to be lazy and be picked up and carried all the time, so they cry until you do that.  It's what they want.  They are manipulating you.  [I've seen it.]  More importantly, I think and know that I've been doing this.

I also think I'm even guilty of testing myself.  [Maybe this is why I constantly have an injury in my Achilles.  I'm this close > < to giving up running.]  I don't really know how to grow and move on.  I can eat well all week, and then completely destroy every bit of good that I've done on the weekends with food. 

I'm currently feeling sad, lonely, and frustrated.  Blarg.