The sickness

Dear Blog,

I haven't forsaken you.  I've had the influenza.  It's been awful.  It made me realize how terrible my couch really is.  It made me realize that I still need my mom when I get sick.  It made me very tired, like mono.  It also gave me too much time to be by myself and stew and fester and think about things.  I'm so unhappy.

Running off today, only to return to work tomorrow for like 9 or 10 hours.  Yay.

Love sometimes,
Courtney

What am I doing: The why of daily life

So I was just thinking about this and had to write it out.  What am I doing with my life?  Maybe I should break it down into more cohesive and acceptable thoughts; so what am I doing with my life today?  A better example, will actually be tomorrow.  What am I doing with my life on Monday?  Well, I'm getting up, I'm going to fight through the fact that I don't feel good, and am slightly sickish, and that I am sad and unhappy, and I am going to go to work.  Then I am going to go work out (probably).  Then, I am going home, and because it's a Monday, finish my school work for this week, and then I'm going to laze about until bed time.  Which ends up being like an hour or two of lazing about time.  Not enough.  Then I will go to bed and do it all over again.  The same exact thing.  What am I doing?  Why am I doing this?  I allow myself to drown in work, I torture myself for not being enough of what I want to be at the gym, I come home and feel sad that I am alone....again.  Failing.  Why?  What is the end goal?

For a goal oriented person who needs tangible outcomes to work towards, I certainly have lost all of mine.  I've lost something I didn't appreciate until it was gone, and now I can not get it back.  I found out today, that I can not have it back.  It is done. 

I was asked last night, why am I here?  Why do I stay in this area?  Why am I living here?  What am I working towards?  Yeah, I might be working towards a degree, and working to pay the bills, but those are so big, it's really hard to keep a firm grasp on those ideas that don't necessarily lead you anywhere.  I'm living to work.  I should be working to live.  I'm hiding in the one thing that is supposed to make me feel better. 

Dear first half of my twenties,
You really sucked.  You let me down and made me feel like crap quite often.  You have created a disappointment in me so deep that I am drowning. 
I'm really trying to look forward to the second half of my twenties, but I have fear.  Fear that I will be let down.  Fear that my dreams that I have already had to push back time and time again, will get pushed back to the point that they aren't attainable anymore.  Fear of failure.  Fear of more aloneness.  Fear of disappointing you even more.  Fear of pushing everyone away to be alone, which I already hate. 

What am I doing?  I can't even break it down daily to make it feel better.  I might not be a loser, but I'm certainly no winner. 

This has nothing to do with working out!

I just need to vent.  Ugg.  I just started accounting and I hate it and it's making me crazy angry, and I don't understand shit about it.  I want to cuss like a sailor right now. 

I worked out today.  Good times.  Going in again tomorrow for PT.  I'm so stinkin' tired.  I am glad it's the weekend... fo' sho.

Perceptions

I realize that I have so many different perceptions of events.  Sometimes my perceptions seem to cause drama when I don't have that as my intention.  It makes me sad that things have changed in my life from how they used to be, but I'm moving forward and this is part of growing up and sometimes growing apart from some people.  I could make some lame metaphor about how this is like running and moving forward too, but I won't do that. 

It was almost 70 degrees outside today!  Almost time for flip flops.  I wanted to go for a walk at the forest preserve, but of the next to no people that I know, no one was available.  I got that lazy, I don't want to work out anymore feeling, but I sucked it up and popped in the P90x Cardio DVD.  Oh, Tony Horton, be still my in-the-zone heart rate. 

Today's Success:  It's been a few really good days of eating well.  Yesterday I did an hour of walking incline on the treadmill, and then Mr. Hottie with a Body, Brandon, showed me a boxing demo for his class.  I'm interested, but I don't think I will ultimately get what I want out of it.  He has another free demo the 26th, which I want to go to.  Working out today even though I wanted to just fall asleep after work.

Today's Setbacks:  Does a giant iced coffee count?  I don't think it should as a setback because it had milk in it, and worked it's way through my system in about an hour.  Eww.  I feel today was almost all success.  Even work was good today.  I got a raise!!!

A driving force

I haven't had too much to say the past few days (no driving force).  Nothing new is going on right now.  I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to be able to run again...stupid Achilles.  So I took Friday off to have a weekly dinner with Junior (oh man I ate like crap, but I did well throughout the week).  And I was going to get up and go to spin class on Saturday morning, but I slept in. 

Ahhh, all the things I didn't do.  Well let's talk about the things that I did do. 

I took two days to rest my body.  I took time to catch up on my sleep.  Today, Sunday, I did an hour of P90x.  Way to go me!  I chose the plyometrics workout, although some of the jumping moves, after a while, I had to modify, or just skip them, and I did squats instead.  Look out hot butt!  Ha!  I also took myself out to breakfast this morning, and I spent time in bed, and relaxed and read a book.  I also found two new books to read, and I went in to Play It Again Sports to look for a yoga mat, and a step.  They had one for $45 dollars.  But I decided to hold out a little longer.  It wasn't exactly what I wanted.  I don't know why I had been putting it off for so long.  There is another one near work, so if I get a few extra minutes, I will stop in there tomorrow to see what they have.

Still, I have a driving force, and it doesn't revolve around anyone else anymore.  It revolves around me, and what I want.  It revolves around where I am trying to go, and what I am trying to accomplish.  It's my will power, my drive, and my force that are moving me into my future.  Whatever uncertain future that may be.  This may mean that I have to rethink certain goals. 

Today's success: Making it through an hour of P90x
Today's setbacks: Saying it doesn't really bother me to be alone all the time, but it does.  I really want cake.  Really really want cake.

Where are the endorphins? Realizing fears.

Today my Achilles felt pretty good, so I decided I would try to run a little bit.  I mostly walked at an incline, and then would run for two minutes, and then walked more, and then ran again.  I went for 65 minutes altogether.  I just did a slow jog, because today was not about setting some new record.  It was about seeing how I was feeling.  But it's weird how I didn't really get that feel better feeling.

And I was thinking as I was on the treadmill, doing the same thing that I always do, that I still kind of live in fear when it comes to using the gym equipment.  I've been there for the past year and a half and I know how to use lots of different machines, but when it comes to doing it on my own, I still get nervous and feel embarrassed.  I don't want to be like that.  I don't know why I have so much anxiety about it.  It's one thing to have the trainer tell me what to do, and I don't look stupid because they are telling me what to do.  I guess I still feel like I look stupid when I am doing it on my own.  That's so very very silly.  I really just need a buddy.  Oh how I long for female companionship....

Today's success: Running a little bit and not having it hurt.  Being in control enough to not over do it and hurt myself again.
Today's setbacks: Feeling negative about self image.  I have the world's biggest calves, and I am so not in love with them right now.  Much, much, much too big.

???

I've just been sitting here thinking.  I'm not sure what to title this entry, or what I even have to say about today.  I try to be optimistic about what I am writing in here, and I try to have hope, and I want to be hopeful, but I don't really feel too hopeful.  If I say enough positive things, even though I don't believe them, eventually they have to start to feel true too.  Right?  How long does that take?

Did the stairs today.  Still sick of them, but I love how much I sweat and how many calories I burn.  I did intervals of 4 minutes moderate pace, and one minute hard pace for 35 minutes.  I decided not to wear my heart rate monitor because I was tired of being trapped in time.  I needed a little freedom.  I think I might have broken my cell phone headphones by wearing them while working out.  Crap. 

I bought yoga stretch bands, and did use them tonight.  Best supine hamstring stretch ever.  And a new pair of workout capris.  It's been an hour now, and I still haven't really said anything worthwhile I guess.  I'm currently searching for an aerobic step.  They are freaking expensive though!  The ones that are less expensive come in purple, which I hate.  I refuse to have a purple step in my home. 

Today's success: Feeling happy during the go go go part of the day.  Working out.  Eating okish.  No cookies at least.  I also did well for dinner. Learning to be blunt and honest.  Attempting to be hopeful and encouraged.
Today's setbacks: Constantly being too hard on myself.  Feeling sore throughout my back, arms, and shoulders.  Not really actually feeling hopeful and encouraged.