Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
Done with Illinois
I am having a hard time forcing myself to work out, which is funny because I always feel better when I do it. I am crazy out of control right now, and hate the way I look and the way I feel. But today I did it. And Saturday I went golfing. And it would be pretty boss to go paddleboarding this coming weekend. Hopefully I will make that happen this weekend.
God I'm so miserable.
I officially have no one here in Illinois that are my friends anymore. Yes, i have my work acquaintances, but something there has changed, and Junior and I don't hang out outside of work anymore. No more friends. Grandma is still my grandma, but I don't see her very often, and she is busy with her real family. I can't stay here because I have a surrogate grandma.
One step at a time is how I am going to get through this, but there are a lot of steps coming up, and it does feel overwhelming. I have a lot to do over the next few days. Today I have made the decision that Virginia is what is in my future. I have discovered that I am able to sublet. So next is updating my resume, contacting stores in VA for a transfer, and finding someone to sublease from me here.
I don't even know. I just don't want to do all the in between work. That's the part that sucks. I just am ready to jump to VA now. Ugg.
God I'm so miserable.
I officially have no one here in Illinois that are my friends anymore. Yes, i have my work acquaintances, but something there has changed, and Junior and I don't hang out outside of work anymore. No more friends. Grandma is still my grandma, but I don't see her very often, and she is busy with her real family. I can't stay here because I have a surrogate grandma.
One step at a time is how I am going to get through this, but there are a lot of steps coming up, and it does feel overwhelming. I have a lot to do over the next few days. Today I have made the decision that Virginia is what is in my future. I have discovered that I am able to sublet. So next is updating my resume, contacting stores in VA for a transfer, and finding someone to sublease from me here.
I don't even know. I just don't want to do all the in between work. That's the part that sucks. I just am ready to jump to VA now. Ugg.
Monday, May 21, 2012
wants v realities
I want to be thankful for the things that have happened to me that have made me who I am, but I hate those things, and I hate who I am right now.
depressed
I am so depressed I can barely function. I got to leave work early on Friday, not that it really helps with me cutting any hours, as I still go into overtime every week it seems, but I came home around 2 and it had been a long terrible day. It had been a long terrible week, and I feel asleep and proceeded to stay inside all weekend. I went out Sunday night for fast food after dark. I was gone for maybe 15 minutes. What is there to go out to? I am so depressed it hurts to move or think or do anything. I cry constantly and over everything. Anything sets me off and I am like an alcoholic falling off the band wagon and in full fledged all out depression. I can't do this. I can't succeed. I can't live without my dad. My mom barely talks to me. I can barely stand her. How am I supposed to take care of her when I can barely do it for myself?
It's stopped being so confusing that he's gone now. It just is. He just isn't anymore. But I still am, and I am still miserable.
What's the point of writing this down?
I'm not suicidal depressed, but I am apathetic depressed, which in some ways feels worse that when I was suicidal.
I deleted David today. I fucking hate him. I hate that he is happy. I hate that I am sad. I hate that he is succeeding at our plan without me. I hate that my gut tells me he will end up with her, and I will get more cats. I hate that I feel unworthy of anyone. Even shitty stupid David who doesn't know how to work his own weiner. How's that for mean and vindictive?
FUCK.
It's stopped being so confusing that he's gone now. It just is. He just isn't anymore. But I still am, and I am still miserable.
What's the point of writing this down?
I'm not suicidal depressed, but I am apathetic depressed, which in some ways feels worse that when I was suicidal.
I deleted David today. I fucking hate him. I hate that he is happy. I hate that I am sad. I hate that he is succeeding at our plan without me. I hate that my gut tells me he will end up with her, and I will get more cats. I hate that I feel unworthy of anyone. Even shitty stupid David who doesn't know how to work his own weiner. How's that for mean and vindictive?
FUCK.
Monday, April 16, 2012
sneezes
I dont know. I don't really have anything else to say, it's just great to let your thoughts flow out of your brain like a waterfall that is so seasonally delightful and tropical.
And everything is so clean, yet slightly itchy. That's strange. Crying was strange. It didn't last long, but it felt quite nice. But it felt really weird while it was happening, like all surreal and strange and shit. Like I existed outside my body.
I wish these terrible and horrible and awful things on all the people who used to be around. They used to be around me because I am exactly like my mom and push everyone away and am a terrible communicater, or a total over communicator. I just want to be a slave to cheezeburgerz.
Do not resuscitate. DNR. I'll never be able to wipe the memory of my dad weak legged and brain washed by the damage and the drugs. I will always be filled with regret of every choice I made, and they made, and every lost moment.
Oh fuck. I stillz gotz it, but it's changed. Gotta go renew. And stop being on the internet, because it's ruining my life. But I just love the ability to be all super fucking connected and gossipy and all knowing. Fuck. Facebook is like the transcendetal Jesus of Jonathon Livingston Seagull's wet dreams. I don't even know what that means, but I'll put it on facebook. That's cool.
And everything is so clean, yet slightly itchy. That's strange. Crying was strange. It didn't last long, but it felt quite nice. But it felt really weird while it was happening, like all surreal and strange and shit. Like I existed outside my body.
I wish these terrible and horrible and awful things on all the people who used to be around. They used to be around me because I am exactly like my mom and push everyone away and am a terrible communicater, or a total over communicator. I just want to be a slave to cheezeburgerz.
Do not resuscitate. DNR. I'll never be able to wipe the memory of my dad weak legged and brain washed by the damage and the drugs. I will always be filled with regret of every choice I made, and they made, and every lost moment.
Oh fuck. I stillz gotz it, but it's changed. Gotta go renew. And stop being on the internet, because it's ruining my life. But I just love the ability to be all super fucking connected and gossipy and all knowing. Fuck. Facebook is like the transcendetal Jesus of Jonathon Livingston Seagull's wet dreams. I don't even know what that means, but I'll put it on facebook. That's cool.
Niece or Nephew
Casey and Laura do not have a baby. I don't really know if they are trying right now, or waiting, but at some point in time in the future, I do think they will and I am so in love with that little baby. Why is it that new life is happy and joyous when we know that there is an end that is miserable and terrible. And it is too. Fucking awful and miserable.
I am do not want a baby. I don't know why anyone would. Stupid preggers and their lording of their feminine whiles and ways and body parts that I chose to notuse and shit.
Dear Baby,
You don't even exist yet, and these people already want you and love you. I even already love you and I hate everything right now. And I really don't want to love you. But I want to see you succeed and grow up and be happy and healthy and smart and wise. I want to spend time with you and know you and be in your life all the time, but at the end of the day, I want to give you back, so that your parents can deal with the hard part. I am the perfect grandma, but the worst mom. We will hate each other. A baby of my own. They would resent me and all my decisions, the same way I feel. They will find some reason to be angry.
Why is it that we are so programmed to reproduce and keep moving along?
Why is it that I am attracted to my so far distance past? If distance doesn't exist between us, I mean didn't exist between us I would probably attempt to have sex with you every night of the week and perhaps accomplish nothing else. Why not?
Oh, using sex and drugs and rock and roll to escape my problems is apparently unhealthy. This is very confusing. Very confusing. All I wanted to do was talk about shit because talking about stuff and thinking about stuff is so great, and at first no one would think about shit with me, but now I am talking to too many people and all the conversations are getting confused inside of the gray matter that is my brain.
Fuck
I am do not want a baby. I don't know why anyone would. Stupid preggers and their lording of their feminine whiles and ways and body parts that I chose to notuse and shit.
Dear Baby,
You don't even exist yet, and these people already want you and love you. I even already love you and I hate everything right now. And I really don't want to love you. But I want to see you succeed and grow up and be happy and healthy and smart and wise. I want to spend time with you and know you and be in your life all the time, but at the end of the day, I want to give you back, so that your parents can deal with the hard part. I am the perfect grandma, but the worst mom. We will hate each other. A baby of my own. They would resent me and all my decisions, the same way I feel. They will find some reason to be angry.
Why is it that we are so programmed to reproduce and keep moving along?
Why is it that I am attracted to my so far distance past? If distance doesn't exist between us, I mean didn't exist between us I would probably attempt to have sex with you every night of the week and perhaps accomplish nothing else. Why not?
Oh, using sex and drugs and rock and roll to escape my problems is apparently unhealthy. This is very confusing. Very confusing. All I wanted to do was talk about shit because talking about stuff and thinking about stuff is so great, and at first no one would think about shit with me, but now I am talking to too many people and all the conversations are getting confused inside of the gray matter that is my brain.
Fuck
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