Just Admit It.

You are totally in love with me.

Cause I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo in love with you. 

Sigh.

My eyes are fire!!!!!

Love should be magical.

I started to feel better.  I have started to feel better, but any one little blow will set me back.  And everything feels like a blow.  And everything is controlled by cancer.

Why can't I be happy and social, and just fall in love and be so happy?  I'm willing to take all the risks, and break my heart again, and have it be my risk.  I meaN THERE must be something that I am not doing that I should be doing that is the magical key to fixing the wrongs that I am making.  I'm so sad.  I'm so sad that I can't have what I want. 

Recognize that it's a bad situation, and just focus on the good.  It is just what it is.  Temporary and moving.  It is a journey.  I suppose.  But it's hard to see any good, when the bad is so full right now.

I wanted a new dress for graduation.  Something beautiful and special and grown up.  Then I've also been talking to someone who I like.  You know, like like.  So that makes me want to buy special pretty undergarmets.  Which is ridiculous because I'm not liked back, and if I was to be loved by someone, I want it to be someone who desparately wants me to be there, or someone who is willing to give it all up for me.

I don't want babies.  I don't want to talk about them.  I don't want anything to do with them.  Uggh.  It's ok, but in my head it feels like you are shoving your baby agenda down my throat.  Which is just in my head. 

I'm due for some good luck and the tides to turn. 

I

Lack of (insert any word here)

This blog was supposed to exist to keep me accountable.  But I have fallen off the band wagon.  I cancelled my gym membership today and am attempting to get my money back for some trainging sessions.  It's not a small amount by any means.  It's a large amount. 

I have exactly one week of school left as of today.  This time next week, I will be a college graduate!  How crazy is that?  It is hard to believe really. 

I've always wanted to write, and even though I have all of these thoughts and ideas in my head, it seems like I don't have anything interesting to say ever.  But it must be interesting to someone else.  With a world population of 6.8 billion people, someone else might care a little what I'm going through?  It's strange that I think that when I feel so isolated from the people who are my "friends."  I frequently wonder what that word even means.

I'm pretty sure that if I had discovered the little piece of magic in the world that I discovered last summer in high school when I was into writing poetry, that shit would have been amazing. Ahhhh-maaaaaa-zing.  I thought it would  be a really good idea to write right now because I would have interesting thoughts.  And disssam that shit really is, but it's sort of boring to write, but the words do just flow right out.  Sometimes though it seems to be the wrong word, so I have to go back and delete it.  I wonder if I write some truth, is Cassie will see it and blab it to her parentios, and then they will blab it their siblings, and then everybody be up in my business.  Fuck that, right.  It's my truth, so why hide it from the world.  Nah, hide it just that part.  There are things that people don't want to know even though they do think that they want to know.  But once you know, you certainly can't unknow.  Oh, dude, I am like the best spell checker ever and I have super Doogie Howser vision.  I think that may be a stupid thought, but hey there it is. 

I'm starting to feel angry at Daddy.  And I feel like if he walked in right now and was like what is going on, and I told them that he would understand why I feel so angry at him.  If he hadn't gotten sick, I wouldn't have had to come home for two months.  I wouldn't have had to spend all my money and savings and dip into my school loan money.  And then when I came back to work I wouldn't have bad to have been so poor right now.  And then I wouldn't have to skip buying groceries because I'm so poor.  And I wouldn't have had to stop working out.  And I wouldn't be all suicidal depressed.  And I wouldn't have to figure out how to pay for this stupid speeding ticket right now.

And I wouldn't have to be angry at mom, and I wouldn't have to use the word fucktard so much.  Damn.

This isn't as interesting as I thought it would be, but maybe with some additional practice I will get better at it, and this shit will actually make sense.  I also wonder...something, but I forget.

I wonder if bicycling would be fun, but still I have realized that I am afraid to go places that I am unfamiliar with while in such a state, but it's because I'm afraid that I will get lost.  So, this is boring now, and I'm going to go do something else.  Yeah, thanks.

New year, it had better be better

This is the first day of 2012.  It had better be better.  I'm not sure I could imagine how it could get much worse.  This was the first year that I spent new year's by myself.  I thought it would be incredibly terrible but it wasn't.  Maybe I needed that instead of setting myself up for what feels like failure when I can't seem to get ahead.

Daddy passed away on the 2nd.  It's now been a month.  I'm still very angry and upset and feeling quite raw about the whole thing.  I have things I want to start doing, but mostly it feels better to just stay inside and do nothing or sleep.  Sleep is a big one right now.  Hygiene is also lacking again.  Ugg. 

How is this possible?  How come my brain doesn't understand what has happened?  Why wouldn't Daddy have planned better just in case?  I need him so much.  Casey needs him so much.  What are all of us going to do?

today i put on fake nails

its thanksgiving so i should be thankful, but im not. im cold, sitting by myself, crying because my dad is just a shell of who he used to be. he knew he had cancer today. he knew it was in his brain.  what do i know? nothing. i know this will take him. i should be thankful that he is still here and strong enough to do many of the things he still does. but im not. im angry that he is this way and that its out of our control. im angry that my mom wont sleep. im angry we are still here at their house. im angry that this has been the shittiest 2011 ever. im angry that david isnt my boyfriend anymore. im angry that im single. im angry that my dad is going to leave me here with my mom. im angry he cant see me graduate. which means my mom wont come either if hes still alive. im pissed. im angry he wont know my future husband. im angry he wont know casey and lauras babies.  im really pissed off. im angry he doesnt remember that im his sweetie pie.

Cancer

If I ever get cancer, I will choose to fight it initially if my chances are good.  However, if I start to lose, and can't seem to get back ahead of this fight that we know as cancer, here are my wishes.  I am writing them down and being strong about it. 

I, as many others have said before me, do not want to be a burden on other people.  I do not want my sickness to slow other people down or make their life harder.  I want them to be able to let go of me when the time is right.  If I can't win, I want to be made as comfortable as possible.  I want to be high out of my damn mind until I pass.  I want to feel relaxed in that state and feel super yummy in that way.  If I can not speak for myself, I want you to know that this is what I want.  Please help me do that.

It's sad to think about.  If I change my mind as time goes on, I will let you know.

2011

2011 was the year I thought I was going to be engaged.

2011 was the year I ended the most serious relationship I've ever been in.

2011 was the year my dad's health was scary and frightening.

2011 was the year I sought an outside opinion and help.

2011 was the year I tried something new that opened my mind up.

2011 was the year I let my anger get the better of me.

2011 was also the year that I did something about it to stay in control.

2011 was the year I turned 26.

2011 was the year that I paid for everything on my own.

2011 was the year I bought the Subaru.

2011 was the year I became an Illinoisian.

2011 was the year that I gained back all the weight I lost, but then determined to lose again.

2011 was the year I felt closer to my brother than ever before. 

2011.