today i put on fake nails

its thanksgiving so i should be thankful, but im not. im cold, sitting by myself, crying because my dad is just a shell of who he used to be. he knew he had cancer today. he knew it was in his brain.  what do i know? nothing. i know this will take him. i should be thankful that he is still here and strong enough to do many of the things he still does. but im not. im angry that he is this way and that its out of our control. im angry that my mom wont sleep. im angry we are still here at their house. im angry that this has been the shittiest 2011 ever. im angry that david isnt my boyfriend anymore. im angry that im single. im angry that my dad is going to leave me here with my mom. im angry he cant see me graduate. which means my mom wont come either if hes still alive. im pissed. im angry he wont know my future husband. im angry he wont know casey and lauras babies.  im really pissed off. im angry he doesnt remember that im his sweetie pie.

Cancer

If I ever get cancer, I will choose to fight it initially if my chances are good.  However, if I start to lose, and can't seem to get back ahead of this fight that we know as cancer, here are my wishes.  I am writing them down and being strong about it. 

I, as many others have said before me, do not want to be a burden on other people.  I do not want my sickness to slow other people down or make their life harder.  I want them to be able to let go of me when the time is right.  If I can't win, I want to be made as comfortable as possible.  I want to be high out of my damn mind until I pass.  I want to feel relaxed in that state and feel super yummy in that way.  If I can not speak for myself, I want you to know that this is what I want.  Please help me do that.

It's sad to think about.  If I change my mind as time goes on, I will let you know.

2011

2011 was the year I thought I was going to be engaged.

2011 was the year I ended the most serious relationship I've ever been in.

2011 was the year my dad's health was scary and frightening.

2011 was the year I sought an outside opinion and help.

2011 was the year I tried something new that opened my mind up.

2011 was the year I let my anger get the better of me.

2011 was also the year that I did something about it to stay in control.

2011 was the year I turned 26.

2011 was the year that I paid for everything on my own.

2011 was the year I bought the Subaru.

2011 was the year I became an Illinoisian.

2011 was the year that I gained back all the weight I lost, but then determined to lose again.

2011 was the year I felt closer to my brother than ever before. 

2011.

I am strong. I have strength.

This was my mantra today as I ran outside for the first time in over a year.  I was going to do some cardio when I got back, but I knew what a terrible procrastinator I have been lately, so I decided it would be better to get to work on my homework.  I am now done at just after 9pm.  Thank goodness. 

I'm not a very good blogger, but at least it helps me think, and I do like writing.  There is that. 

I am strong.  I have strength.

2 + 2 does not always equal 4

It is like there is this switch inside of me that makes me all in or all out.  Completely overworked and committed or not present and interested. 

I've been thinking about all of these things lately, and I am in a dark and terrible place right now.  The only thing that I like right now is exercising.  I do like the kitties, but they are not bringing me joy or peace right now because I feel so sad that I can't give them the love they need and want.  It's one thing to talk about it, but I'm still stuck feeling like no one understands.  And I am angry.  Angry beyond belief at everyone and everything, and all of that is boiling over and very negatively affecting me and my behavior at work. 

I don't know what else to say about it.  I'm tired and I need to go to sleep now.  Sigh.

Shit I love

I was thinking about this on the way home, and it's kind of ridiculous, but I love some things that make me laugh when I think about them individually, and when I think about them together. 

• robots
• dinosaurs
• robot dinosaurs
• pop music
• dancing with the white man overbite (or underbite)
• black nailpolish
• hot pink nailpolish
• the E channel

I don't know why I thought it was so funny, but it made me laugh. 

food is the devil

I don't really have anything new to report.  I'm still floundering and struggling, and perhaps worse than before.  What more is there to say?