i cant say it anywhere else safely or openly, but i just dont want to be here anymore.  the only thing that keeps me from killing myself is my cats.  how sad and fucked up is that/ no one to take them or care for them right when im gone, so here i stay.  but id much rather be dead.

driving away

I miss my dad so much.  Everything hurts and everything feels broken.  It just feels like I can call him anytime I want like I used to, and he will answer.  I call and wait for his voice, but it will never pick up again.  How am I supposed to do anything.  How am I not supposed to hurt when he wasn't at my graduation, and he didn't see me walk across the stage, and he wasn't here for my birthday? 

I don't believe in anything.  I don't feel him out there.  There's no such thing as  him watching over me or protecting me.  I don't believe that.  And if anyone tries to tell me that I'm wrong, and I just need to believe a little harder, they are fucking blind.  I believed really hard and that didn't save him or myself. 

I am broken and falling in on myself.  I am lost.

He will never walk me down the aisle (although I have tossed that dream because none of my dreams come true).  That one really hurts.  I just want my dad.  It's not fair.  It's not fair that I watched him disappear.  It's not fair that I am still alone after all this time.  It's not fucking fair.  I'm pissed.  I'm sad.  I'm angry.  I'm resentful.  I'm hateful.  Aren't those all just really the same things anyways? 

I watch shitty tv to distract me and I spend time by myself because people don't know what to do with me.  They don't know what to say to me or how to "handle" me.  Fuck you.  Yes, because doing nothing is obviously better than trying anything; fucking idiots. 

Happiness isn't a choice that I am capable of.  It isn't possible right now.  Anyone who says it is, is blind and stupid. 

I eat and sleep and pretend that none of this exists.  If she did it, I wouldn't be angry anymore.  I don't want to be here either.  This place is too painful.  The bad times are supposed to make me more appreciative of the good times?  There are no more good times.  Those times are over. 

This is fucking bullshit.  I know I can't just sit and not do anything now.  I have to keep moving.  But I don't know where my next move is.  I hate everything about myself and what I am doing right now.  But there is nothing else available to go towards. 

This past year has been agonizing and I really hate the fall.  I hate everyone and everything right now.  This is fucking bullshit.