Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Realizations
I am insecure and unhappy. And not only has grief been plaguing me since David and I broke up, or since I found out at best, I would only have 18 months left with me dad, which was a far cry from the truth. It has been plaguing me beyond the point where he disappeared and the disease took over. It has been plaguing me since before I watched him take his last place in a cold sterile place, that was the best we could do.
The first times I can remember being self-conscious and feeling embarrassed about myself, I was in 3rd or fourth grade. I have been grieving because of my whole life.
Looking back, I felt, no better yet, I feel that I remember middle school and high school fondly. I hate that I am the 27 year old who can't stop reminiscing about childhood and high school. It was safe. I always knew that it was even while I was in it. No one else understood. So high school was good, and then the grief took over.
Was I not emotionally prepared for the world? That's what it seems to be the more I think and think and think about it. We were forced to pick and apply to colleges. I don't like being forced to choose anything. But I finally chose something that I loved. That I knew I loved and that I knew I was good at it. That's what we are supposed to do isn't it? Follow our American Dreams?
So I apply to college and get it!! But I can't go because it is too far away and too expensive.
I grieve the loss of my dream school.
I grieve the loss of my dream profession.
I am forced to go to community college. I hate it on principle alone, and feel stupid.
I grieve the loss of my best friends who go to "normal" college and seem to love it and make new friends.
I make no new friends.
Our friendships begin to fail. The girls I thought would always be in my life.
They have left me and moved on for new friends. I still don't understand why we don't grow together.
Because my parents met when they were little and stayed together their whole lives, this is what I expect of my own relationships. The first boyfriend I have, I blow it for being a lemming. The second boyfriend I have tells me upfront that he is a bad person. He pushes my boundaries. I let him.
I grieve the loss of partner's dreams. I am incomplete without a partner. I hate admitting it, thinking it, feeling it, or believing it.
My friends experience grief I can't understand, and I lose them even more with a deeper divide.
I drop out of school. I grieve the loss of my confidence.
I move out in a terrible fight with my mom. I grieve the loss of my family and my childhood.
Teenage life was easy and irresponsible, and all I was, was a goody goody. I blew it. I should have been crazy and wild. Instead I was a prude and embarrassed, but happy. And now I'm a racist. Stupid job.
I'm still in love with David. I know that. Otherwise I wouldn't hurt over him so much and I wouldn't think about it so much. He broke my heart though. In a way that I didn't think was even available to him, but it was more available than ever before. I miss his calmness and his intelligence. I miss the way he cared about me. I don't want to though. I want to be over him. Then I meet Mike and even though I do like him, I'm already to broken to be normal.
I spend all this time trying to protect myself and keep myself safe from being hurt by people. I keep them away as much as possible and hope that they keep wanting me. Then when I finally feel like I'm ready to let them in, I have been to mean to them and they don't want me anymore.
I'm crying now. I'm so hurt. I think that maybe I've always been this messed up. I just didn't realize it. I do hate everyone. I have done this. I have been mean and I have pushed them away and I have been untrustworthy and untrusting. I have put myself here. I want the girl fantasy to be rescue and desired and wanted. But no one wants a girl like me who is self conscious and sad and broken. And I'm so sad and broken and alone, that I don't want to be optimistic or nice to people.
The first times I can remember being self-conscious and feeling embarrassed about myself, I was in 3rd or fourth grade. I have been grieving because of my whole life.
Looking back, I felt, no better yet, I feel that I remember middle school and high school fondly. I hate that I am the 27 year old who can't stop reminiscing about childhood and high school. It was safe. I always knew that it was even while I was in it. No one else understood. So high school was good, and then the grief took over.
Was I not emotionally prepared for the world? That's what it seems to be the more I think and think and think about it. We were forced to pick and apply to colleges. I don't like being forced to choose anything. But I finally chose something that I loved. That I knew I loved and that I knew I was good at it. That's what we are supposed to do isn't it? Follow our American Dreams?
So I apply to college and get it!! But I can't go because it is too far away and too expensive.
I grieve the loss of my dream school.
I grieve the loss of my dream profession.
I am forced to go to community college. I hate it on principle alone, and feel stupid.
I grieve the loss of my best friends who go to "normal" college and seem to love it and make new friends.
I make no new friends.
Our friendships begin to fail. The girls I thought would always be in my life.
They have left me and moved on for new friends. I still don't understand why we don't grow together.
Because my parents met when they were little and stayed together their whole lives, this is what I expect of my own relationships. The first boyfriend I have, I blow it for being a lemming. The second boyfriend I have tells me upfront that he is a bad person. He pushes my boundaries. I let him.
I grieve the loss of partner's dreams. I am incomplete without a partner. I hate admitting it, thinking it, feeling it, or believing it.
My friends experience grief I can't understand, and I lose them even more with a deeper divide.
I drop out of school. I grieve the loss of my confidence.
I move out in a terrible fight with my mom. I grieve the loss of my family and my childhood.
Teenage life was easy and irresponsible, and all I was, was a goody goody. I blew it. I should have been crazy and wild. Instead I was a prude and embarrassed, but happy. And now I'm a racist. Stupid job.
I'm still in love with David. I know that. Otherwise I wouldn't hurt over him so much and I wouldn't think about it so much. He broke my heart though. In a way that I didn't think was even available to him, but it was more available than ever before. I miss his calmness and his intelligence. I miss the way he cared about me. I don't want to though. I want to be over him. Then I meet Mike and even though I do like him, I'm already to broken to be normal.
I spend all this time trying to protect myself and keep myself safe from being hurt by people. I keep them away as much as possible and hope that they keep wanting me. Then when I finally feel like I'm ready to let them in, I have been to mean to them and they don't want me anymore.
I'm crying now. I'm so hurt. I think that maybe I've always been this messed up. I just didn't realize it. I do hate everyone. I have done this. I have been mean and I have pushed them away and I have been untrustworthy and untrusting. I have put myself here. I want the girl fantasy to be rescue and desired and wanted. But no one wants a girl like me who is self conscious and sad and broken. And I'm so sad and broken and alone, that I don't want to be optimistic or nice to people.
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