i feel very bad and sad and guikty. i am a bad person and have been a bad person.

sometimes we give up all our dreams.

Done with Illinois

I am having a hard time forcing myself to work out, which is funny because I always feel better when I do it.  I am crazy out of control right now, and hate the way I look and the way I feel. But today I did it.  And Saturday I went golfing.  And it would be pretty boss to go paddleboarding this coming weekend.  Hopefully I will make that happen this weekend.

God I'm so miserable. 

I officially have no one here in Illinois that are my friends anymore.  Yes, i have my work acquaintances, but something there has changed, and Junior and I don't hang out outside of work anymore.  No more friends.  Grandma is still my grandma, but I don't see her very often, and she is busy with her real family.  I can't stay here because I have a surrogate grandma. 

One step at a time is how I am going to get through this, but there are a lot of steps coming up, and it does feel overwhelming.  I have a lot to do over the next few days.  Today I have made the decision that Virginia is what is in my future.  I have discovered that I am able to sublet.  So next is updating my resume, contacting stores in VA for a transfer, and finding someone to sublease from me here. 

I don't even know.  I just don't want to do all the in between work.  That's the part that sucks.  I just am ready to jump to VA now.  Ugg.