wants v realities

I want to be thankful for the things that have happened to me that have made me who I am, but I hate those things, and I hate who I am right now. 

depressed

I am so depressed I can barely function.  I got to leave work early on Friday, not that it really helps with me cutting any hours, as I still go into overtime every week it seems, but I came home around 2 and it had been a long terrible day.  It had been a long terrible week, and I feel asleep and proceeded to stay inside all weekend.  I went out Sunday night for fast food after dark.  I was gone for maybe 15 minutes.  What is there to go out to?  I am so depressed it hurts to move or think or do anything.  I cry constantly and over everything.  Anything sets me off and I am like an alcoholic falling off the band wagon and in full fledged all out depression.  I can't do this.  I can't succeed.  I can't live without my dad.  My mom barely talks to me.  I can barely stand her.  How am I supposed to take care of her when I can barely do it for myself? 

It's stopped being so confusing that he's gone now.  It just is. He just isn't anymore.  But I still am, and I am still miserable. 

What's the point of writing this down?

I'm not suicidal depressed, but I am apathetic depressed, which in some ways feels worse that when I was suicidal.

I deleted David today.  I fucking hate him.  I hate that he is happy.  I hate that I am sad.  I hate that he is succeeding at our plan without me.  I hate that my gut tells me he will end up with her, and I will get more cats.  I hate that I feel unworthy of anyone.  Even shitty stupid David who doesn't know how to work his own weiner.  How's that for mean and vindictive?

FUCK.