today i put on fake nails

its thanksgiving so i should be thankful, but im not. im cold, sitting by myself, crying because my dad is just a shell of who he used to be. he knew he had cancer today. he knew it was in his brain.  what do i know? nothing. i know this will take him. i should be thankful that he is still here and strong enough to do many of the things he still does. but im not. im angry that he is this way and that its out of our control. im angry that my mom wont sleep. im angry we are still here at their house. im angry that this has been the shittiest 2011 ever. im angry that david isnt my boyfriend anymore. im angry that im single. im angry that my dad is going to leave me here with my mom. im angry he cant see me graduate. which means my mom wont come either if hes still alive. im pissed. im angry he wont know my future husband. im angry he wont know casey and lauras babies.  im really pissed off. im angry he doesnt remember that im his sweetie pie.

Cancer

If I ever get cancer, I will choose to fight it initially if my chances are good.  However, if I start to lose, and can't seem to get back ahead of this fight that we know as cancer, here are my wishes.  I am writing them down and being strong about it. 

I, as many others have said before me, do not want to be a burden on other people.  I do not want my sickness to slow other people down or make their life harder.  I want them to be able to let go of me when the time is right.  If I can't win, I want to be made as comfortable as possible.  I want to be high out of my damn mind until I pass.  I want to feel relaxed in that state and feel super yummy in that way.  If I can not speak for myself, I want you to know that this is what I want.  Please help me do that.

It's sad to think about.  If I change my mind as time goes on, I will let you know.